Happily Ever After......????

I'm sitting here writing this blog with a dazzling new diamond ring glistening on my left hand. Yeah, I'm getting my happy ending!  In about a month, I will once again get to experience the joys and privileges of being a wife. I am so incredibly thankful for how God has brought me to this point and given me this wonderful new man.

And yet at the same time I have just had a conversation with my oldest daughter who is wanting to move in with her dad. I'm not sure I fully get all that's involved here. After all, I've never been a child of divorce, only the scorned wife. I don't know that I can ever really understand how hard all this has been on my girls. Actually, there's a lot of things I don't know that I'll ever be able to understand. I have come to recognize that I cannot truly see all this from their perspective so we have to be careful to listen to each other and show compassion. Still, now here I am feeling the full weight of this stuck-between-a-rock-and-a-hard-place position: Can I live with myself always wondering if I have pushed my daughter away with this decision? On the other hand, there is a lot at stake for the rest of us if I just walked away now so could I live with myself then either? The answer to both questions would have to be "no". So what do I do?  I thought we had worked through all of the obstacles, but now here at the 11th hour we've been thrown another one.

So fairy tale endings aren't necessarily all they're cracked up to be. Not sure they're ever even really possible in this fallen world. But one thing I do know for sure: I serve a God who time and time again has turned mourning into dancing and made beauty out of ashes. The fact that I will say "I do" next month is one more proof of this. So He can do the same with my daughter. All I can do is continue to move ahead with how He has led thus far and trust Him to "take care of the rest", to quote an old Keith Green song.
Lord, help me to be careful to see YOUR plan in this new obstacle. Give me that unselfish, unconditional love for my daughter that truly wants what is best for her......even if that ends up being the thing that will be the hardest for me. Help me to not place an unnecessary burden upon myself and allow guilt to gnaw away at me. Thank You once again for making my ashes into a thing of beauty and help me to see the "happy" in all this and not let the unhappy distract me from seeing Your blessings. Thank You that one day I truly will get my ultimate "fairy tale ending" when I spend eternity with You and there will be no more sin or sadness....EVER! Amen.

MERRY CHRISTMAS!

I woke up this Christmas morning alone. This is a first-time ever for me. The girls are at their grandparents' with their dad. We have never spent a Christmas Eve in separate houses before. I thought this would be the most horrible thing ever, but you know what? I'm o.k.!! Good ol' Siggy was here with me, of course, to keep me company and protect me. I had a great evening, starting with attending the service at church, then a late dinner with the girls & my mom at one of the few places open, then a very special evening with my very special man who, of course, showered me with love and gifts! So I really can't complain. Mark & I even watched the "Ernest" Christmas movie together - what could top that???

Still, I had my "moments" - when the tears threatened to overflow and I wanted to just give up the fight and give into the emotion and be a "victim" again. But I didn't. Praise the Lord, I didn't! I even had some other options put before me, but in the end I chose to just stay home in my "comfort zone". And now here I am on Christmas morning in a way-too-quiet house with my loyal four-legged friend beside me, remembering Emmanuel, God with us, and anticipating the big day ahead. In a little while, I will get up, turn on some Christmas music, make my pie, then get ready and head over to my mom's where I will meet up with my sweet girls around noon and we will all celebrate "God With Us" together.

Last night, my dear former father-in-law came by to get a left-behind gift and he wanted to give me a "Christmas hug." As he fought back tears, I was reminded once again that I am not the only person who has suffered through all of this. This was a different Christmas Eve for all of us and they were working through stuff too, having to learn to embrace a different daughter-in-law after 21 years. His sentiment meant a lot to me and I am so thankful that God has preserved this relationship along the way.

Most of all, though, I am thankful for the so-often-needed reminder that I am really never alone. The song we have been singing in church all month really sums it up:

               God is with us, He has come to save us; mercy lights the darkness, Christ is here.
               God is with us, healer of the broken, word of heaven spoken; Christ is here.

Yes, Christ is here. Which reminds me.......MERRY CHRISTMAS!!

One "Boo" for Every "Yay"

Have you ever gotten stuck in a rut where it seems like there's one bad thing that happens for every one good thing? Yay - I responded to that so well.....:) Boo - I flubbed that one miserably. :(
Yay - I'm really getting this concept!! :).......Boo - Ok, maybe I don't get it at all. :( Can anybody relate?

That pretty well sums up my last few weeks. I've had some pretty significant victories in my journey, but it seems like each one has been met with a huge defeat on the backside. That can be quite discouraging.

Tonight, I made a complete fool out of myself in front of my girls in a public place. I was exhausted (I have way overcommitted myself recently and am trying desperately to hold it together and keep it all going for just a few more weeks when relief will come), and I lost it over something really stupid. Well, o.k., trivial might be a better word. It certainly didn't seem stupid or trivial at the time, though! And for some reason, this had to occur the night before we are all going our separate ways on trips. Of course, that in itself I'm sure has a lot more to do with my losing it tonight than I want to admit. There's the "one bad" chasing down the "one good" again.

I made it through "try-not-to-remember" day just fine. Hardly even noticed it actually. Yay!! Last night, I had a conversation in which I found myself answering questions about my marital status in a very straightforward manner without feeling the need to give any specifics or defend myself and give my sob story. My listener can do whatever he wants with the answers I gave him; God knows the details. There's my "yay"! But then I come home to the reality that my daughter is starting to embrace her new stepmom and that old self-belittlement reared its ugly head once again. Boo. Today, I had a great conversation with a "been-there-done-that" friend and was feeling on top of the world in how far I've come in this journey. I even got a card in the mail from a mentor telling me how he had noticed God's work in my life over these last four years and specifically this last month. Wow! Then tonight......well, you know. Yeah, big-time Boo. I have people telling me that I will eventually get beyond this point, that I will finally be freed from this seesaw of life that I'm on. Oh how I want that to be true, but right now I'm having a hard time believing it.

As I try and get myself "wound down" tonight, I pray that I will be able to focus on the many "Yay" moments. Because really, when I think about it, I'm pretty sure they have been far outweighing the "Boo" ones here lately. It's just that the bad moments leave scars.

Jesus, please forgive me for my display of anger and selfishness tonight. Please help my girls to be able to forgive me as well. Help me to be able to pick myself up and cease and desist the singing of the "Poor Pitiful Me" song. Remind me of the sermon I just listened to on Your love and that it is not dependent upon my - or anyone else's - behavior. I pray that we all have a good trip over these next couple of days and that our love for each other will not be affected by the "boo" moment we shared tonight. You have brought me to such a brighter place.......help me to stay in the light where You are. Amen.

Happier Times, New Challenges, Guilt, and Tough Love

Why is it that moving forward and finding happiness in your life again only brings about new challenges? I guess it's because true contentment is best obtained through the school of hard knocks. 

I am rejoicing in so many things nowadays - much more stable emotions, daily laughter, strength to move ahead and quit trying desperately to hang on to the past, a daughter who's now driving and has a car which greatly helps the "Mom's Taxi Service" drudgery, and a new special person in my life. All of these things, though (and I could mention more), bring about their own challenges - I do still cry at times and have to deal with my general emotional makeup; often I take one or two giant leaps forward but then quickly find myself going backwards again; the daughter driving of course brings with it a new set of worries; and the "special person" in my life is unfortunately not so special to everyone in my household.  

Thus, the challenges continue. I'm learning that guilt is still a very big issue for me - more so than I think I ever realized it was in the first place. I feel guilty that am so much happier and more stable now, I feel guilty about letting my daughter go driving around all over the place and expecting her to help me with the taxi service now, and I feel guilty that I now have another man to love and who loves me and wants to take care of me......not just me, but all of us. All of this guilt is weighing me down and keeping me from enjoying my new found freedoms and joys to their fullest extent.

I'm also recognizing that there has been an element missing- or at the least very distant - in our home over these last few years, tough love. I'm all about the "love" part, but I don't do so well with the "tough". Thing is, if I could just master this one really big challenge - learning to love my girls with firmness and presenting an attitude of "I'm the mom and you're the kids" - so many (maybe all????) of these other new challenges would be greatly lessened. Still, that's a whole lot easier to say than it is to do for us "sentimental" types. 

At the end of the day, though, I'm thankful for how far God has brought me and for the much-more-promising-looking future that now lies before me. Lord, may I be reminded that "There is therefore now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus"; may I be able to let go of this nasty guilt and enjoy the freedoms You so freely offer me. Help me to be confident and loving and firm in my home and may these precious girls see that moving forward, though scary, is a good thing and we can all be happy again. Amen.

Anniversaries

I've come such a long way, crossed so many bridges, found my light at the end of the tunnel, have new and exciting possibilities for the future opened up to me now.......yet still I am reminded of my "one thing" that gets me every time. When I hear of couples celebrating a 25+ anniversary, that old self-pity rears its ugly head once again. I know, I know, I'm supposed to "rejoice with those who rejoice", but at these times I'd rather everyone else "weep with those who weep" (namely me!). I'll never have the joy of "bragging" about being married 40 or 50 or 60 years. Why does that bother me so? Ok, yeah, I don't want to have to admit this, but it's probably the old "P" word - pride. I continue to be hit upside the head with how much that factors into my life on a daily basis. So I will just have to keep fighting it, and pray that the Lord keeps showering those "new mercies" on me each morning, and that He will keep me looking forward and not backward. Or rather, that He'll just keep me looking at Him. Because in eternity, I'll be right there rejoicing and celebrating Him with all those who were married forever as well as those whose marriages didn't turn out as planned, like mine. And none of that will even matter one bit!

The "Dirty D Word"

It happened the other day, almost without my even noticing. I referred to myself as being the "d" word, and I didn't even flinch! Nor did I feel the necessity to bore my listeners with the gory details of why I am divorced and assure them that "this was NOT my desire." Oh, nothing has really changed in my thinking - I still hate divorce like God does and it is not the end I ultimately wanted. But it is, nonetheless, the end God is allowing and I have finally crossed the threshold of being able to own up to that without feeling like I am less of a person or in some, if I were Hindu, lower caste system. I am who I am.......who God made me to be.......and He loves me infinitely. And nothing anyone - husband or anyone else - does to me can take that away. So I have just decided that I will not let some little label that defines my marital status also define my identity. And that one small decision is making a world of difference in how I hold my head up and face people when I have to tell them, for whatever reason, "I am divorced". Lord, thank you for helping me to finally "get it", that I am indeed a victim of someone else's sin but I do not have to live in a victim mentality. I do not have to make sure everyone I come in contact with understands the horror that I have faced and thinks only the "best" of me. You did not die to save my reputation; you died to save my soul. Thank you that you are good all the time, even when life is tough. Amen.

Finding Closure.......and Peace

Today I will finally get "closure". That's supposed to be a good thing, right?  Finally bringing something to a close that has been lingering around for far too long? Closure is usually bittersweet, though. There's a reason it's lingered.........

Still, it's the "sweet" part that I am determined to focus on today. I have finally come to a place of peace about this and know that "moving forward" is necessary and good for me now. Though I'm still not certain I get the whole big picture of what God is doing in this, I just keep believing He is doing something and since I know that He is good all the time, I trust that He will indeed bring something good out of even this mess. I am thankful that already He has done a very mighty work within me in just bringing me to this point of finding peace in the closure.

Probably still won't get through this day without some tears, though.......