The "Dirty D Word"

It happened the other day, almost without my even noticing. I referred to myself as being the "d" word, and I didn't even flinch! Nor did I feel the necessity to bore my listeners with the gory details of why I am divorced and assure them that "this was NOT my desire." Oh, nothing has really changed in my thinking - I still hate divorce like God does and it is not the end I ultimately wanted. But it is, nonetheless, the end God is allowing and I have finally crossed the threshold of being able to own up to that without feeling like I am less of a person or in some, if I were Hindu, lower caste system. I am who I am.......who God made me to be.......and He loves me infinitely. And nothing anyone - husband or anyone else - does to me can take that away. So I have just decided that I will not let some little label that defines my marital status also define my identity. And that one small decision is making a world of difference in how I hold my head up and face people when I have to tell them, for whatever reason, "I am divorced". Lord, thank you for helping me to finally "get it", that I am indeed a victim of someone else's sin but I do not have to live in a victim mentality. I do not have to make sure everyone I come in contact with understands the horror that I have faced and thinks only the "best" of me. You did not die to save my reputation; you died to save my soul. Thank you that you are good all the time, even when life is tough. Amen.

Finding Closure.......and Peace

Today I will finally get "closure". That's supposed to be a good thing, right?  Finally bringing something to a close that has been lingering around for far too long? Closure is usually bittersweet, though. There's a reason it's lingered.........

Still, it's the "sweet" part that I am determined to focus on today. I have finally come to a place of peace about this and know that "moving forward" is necessary and good for me now. Though I'm still not certain I get the whole big picture of what God is doing in this, I just keep believing He is doing something and since I know that He is good all the time, I trust that He will indeed bring something good out of even this mess. I am thankful that already He has done a very mighty work within me in just bringing me to this point of finding peace in the closure.

Probably still won't get through this day without some tears, though.......

Twenty-four years ago today, I walked down the aisle and exchanged vows with the man I really believed I would spend the rest of my life with. This is the third May 14 that has passed now since that proved not to be the case. I am still in shock over this, and yet, sadly, I find myself getting kind of used to it. It seemed pretty much like a normal day, except for the occasional mind-wanderings I had to fight against. I hate this. I hate that I am adjusting to life without him. I mean I guess that's what I'm supposed to do - adjust, right? But I don't ever want to just be "o.k." with this. I am moving on.........at least outwardly. But inwardly, I'm still trying desperately to figure out how we got from May 14, 1988 to May 14, 2012 and what I'm supposed to do with all the memories in between.


A couple of days ago, a group of friends came over and we cleaned out the garage. I'm grateful to them for helping this lifelong packrat through the difficult task of mass purging. While it felt good to see such progress take place before my eyes, at the same time it broke my heart to see so much of my past life so flippantly tossed aside. And the irony is not missed here as that's what I'm feeling today about my present circumstances. Yeah, it feels good to see myself make progress in this unwanted journey, but I can't stand to see "what once was" just tossed aside, and that's what I feel like I'm doing when I just "move on". If anyone ever figures out how to reconcile these two opposing mindsets, please let me know!


Meanwhile, I lay my head down on my pillow tonight having had a tear-free day, and I look forward to waking up tomorrow and realizing that I don't have to write "May 14" all day long!


Thank you, Lord, for grace in the big things and in the small. Thank you that with you there are no special days I have to try and make normal days - you love me perfectly and steadfastly all the time and I can be certain that will never change. Amen

1 Baby Step Forward, 10 Giant Leaps Backward

I feel like I'm learning to walk all over again. Just can't seem to stay upright and keep moving forward these days. It's been awhile since I've blogged and that is never a good sign - you know, when you get to such a point that you can't seem to do the one thing that you know would probably help pull you out of the pit. So here I am tonight, when I should be going to bed and preparing for a Monday morning that will come much sooner than I'll be ready for, trying desperately to ward off the impending tears and sobs by writing my heart. Well, more than likely I'll end up writing through the tears and sobs but at least then they'll be productive.

There is a mixture of emotions raging inside me tonight. Everything from really disappointing results at music competition to dreading an upcoming weekend alone as the girls go out of town with their dad, to wondering if I need to consider doing something entirely different with  my life. I think I am just weary. Weary of working so hard to prepare for the same event each year and always coming away feeling deflated and defeated. Weary of trying to figure out answers to questions that should never have to be asked. Weary of having to be a mom without an ever-present dad in the picture. Weary of trying to look like I'm holding it all together when in reality I'm still dying inside every day. Weary of having to just "go on" with life when all I really want to do is just crawl in a hole somewhere and hide till it's all over. Weary of knowing where the answer to all my confusion and emptiness lies but not being able to get myself to go there. Weary of living as a victim yet not really wanting....afraid maybe......to let go of that mentality. Weary of making progress and thinking I am really beginning to get all these life lessons, then to immediately take huge leaps backwards and find myself right back at the starting point all over again.

That's where I am right now - back at square one. OK, maybe square two. Nonetheless, I am far enough back to the entrance of my tunnel that I can't see any light at the end again. I've got some dark and scary territory to cover before the light dawns. Of course, I have the Light of the World Himself going before me always. Lord, help me to look to the Light that is always a present reality and to remember that "even the darkness is light to You".

Wedding-phobia

I'm wondering today if I'll ever be able to attend a wedding again. I'm sure there will come a day when I will not have much choice, but so far I've managed to avoid this task. I have missed a couple  recently that I probably should have attended and maybe............just maybe..........somewhere in the dark recesses of my heart I really wanted to be there for these sweet brides, but I just couldn't bring myself to do it. Yeah, I'll admit it - I'm a bit disallusioned about marriage in general right now. I can't say that I really feel happy for these couples.......I just kind of don't feel anything about their marriage. I guess I'm just hoping that 21 years from now, after a seemingly happy marriage, their husbands won't suddenly decide to bail on them. And I'm still afraid that when the preacher offers that "last out" at the end, calling for anyone who sees just reason why this couple shouldn't be joined together (do they even still DO that in weddings???)..........well, I might just be inclined to jump up and respond! I wouldn't really know what my objection would be; all I can do is give them the same advice that I thought we were following all those years - keep your eyes on Christ and seek to put Him first in your marriage. I just hope it works out better for you.

Am I bitter? I don't know. I've really fought hard against the bitterness and most days now I don't think I am.  But when it comes to wedding invitations, I'm not so sure. A married woman can't help but think back to her own wedding when attending another wedding, no matter how long it's been, and I certainly am NOT ready to face that. So am I wrong in avoiding this right now? Not sure about that either. I just think maybe I'm doing what I have to do to keep myself from giving into the bitterness. And I certainly don't want to sit there and sob uncontrollably through someone's "happy" event! Sure, lots of people cry at weddings, but they are generally happy tears and mine would not be that.

So, for now, I'll keep avoiding the "W" event. I still have a few years left before I'll have to face this with my own daughters so hopefully I'll be "at the other end" of this tunnel and be well-stocked with those glorious "new mercies" by then!

Me and Alexander

I used to love reading the book Alexander and the Terrible, Horrible, No-good, Very bad Day to my girls when they were little. Well I kind of had one of those days today. All day I found myself in situations that made me feel like a complete failure. I didn't seem to be able to keep my 8th graders under control in class this morning......I discovered a huge and very costly oversight in my checking account (when I'm barely making it from check to check anyway) and had to ask for help yet again......I didn't communicate as well as I should have in a particular situation which came back to bite me big time......I had a good but difficult counseling session with my discipleship pastor in which I was challenged that I need to have a hard conversation with someone......which was all the more verified when that someone culminated my "Alexander" day by chiding me for not taking our daughter's poor academic status seriously. Really??? Can anybody say "Let's kick her while she's down"?  Does someone who made the choice to remove himself from the family structure really have the right to make such a statement?

I am, I believe, doing all I can do right now to make ends meet and hold my household together. No, I'm not doing it all perfectly, but I'm certainly not just sitting on my rear, acting like money grows on trees, singing "que sera, sera" while my child fails in school. But tonight? I'm just not feeling like it really matters all that much either way. Can anybody say "Been there, done that"?

Father, I desperately need to be reminded tonight that You do not see me as a failure and that I must not "grow weary in well-doing". Please help me to keep "pressing on toward the goal of the upward call in Christ Jesus" even when life throws lemons (or watermelons!) at me. Remind me that I am not defined by how others see me for they look only on the outside while You look on the heart. And what do You see in my heart? The robe of Christ's righteousness! And that should definitely keep me from giving into the "victim" mentality that is tugging and pulling at me as I type. Thank You, Lord, for amazing grace. Amen.

I remember back when our three girls were little and we used to think about the future and what it would be like for Daddy to be the only male in a hormone-crazed household. He used to kid that when they all reached that point, he would move out for awhile until things calmed down...........well at least I thought he was kidding. But here I am now, alone with these three tween/teen girls and feeling extremely overwhelmed and wondering if I'm going to be able to pull this off. Some days I just wonder if we'll all even come out alive! There's the bickering and the primping and the bickering and the mood swings and the bickering and the friendship problems and the bickering and the aversion to chores and.......oh, did I mention the bickering? I don't mean to sound negative about my children. I really am very thankful for my girls and the blessing they are in my life and others'. I don't know what I would have done without them by my side these last two years. They are sweet and well-behaved for the most part. But I think everything just seems so much larger to me now that I am facing it all alone. I don't have "Daddy" here to talk through issues with and intervene when necessary and tackle the really hard stuff. He could always explain things so well to them and I often falter at that. Submission was not ordinarily much of a struggle for me - I was more than happy to let him lead (though of course I did not do that perfectly either). But now I must learn to lead this little flock of flighty, fickle, fun-loving, frivolous females. Lord, give me strength to face the undaunting task of, at least for now, being a single mom to teenagers. Thank you for the young ladies I am seeing my girls turn into. Please prune where pruning is necessary, give sight where there is still blindness, and bring life where death still reigns. Remind me daily that I am really not ever alone and that You will lead me perfectly as I learn to trust You more. Just help me to be the "Mommy" my girls need right now and to remember that I can plant seeds and water but only You can bring the growth.