Happier Times, New Challenges, Guilt, and Tough Love

Why is it that moving forward and finding happiness in your life again only brings about new challenges? I guess it's because true contentment is best obtained through the school of hard knocks. 

I am rejoicing in so many things nowadays - much more stable emotions, daily laughter, strength to move ahead and quit trying desperately to hang on to the past, a daughter who's now driving and has a car which greatly helps the "Mom's Taxi Service" drudgery, and a new special person in my life. All of these things, though (and I could mention more), bring about their own challenges - I do still cry at times and have to deal with my general emotional makeup; often I take one or two giant leaps forward but then quickly find myself going backwards again; the daughter driving of course brings with it a new set of worries; and the "special person" in my life is unfortunately not so special to everyone in my household.  

Thus, the challenges continue. I'm learning that guilt is still a very big issue for me - more so than I think I ever realized it was in the first place. I feel guilty that am so much happier and more stable now, I feel guilty about letting my daughter go driving around all over the place and expecting her to help me with the taxi service now, and I feel guilty that I now have another man to love and who loves me and wants to take care of me......not just me, but all of us. All of this guilt is weighing me down and keeping me from enjoying my new found freedoms and joys to their fullest extent.

I'm also recognizing that there has been an element missing- or at the least very distant - in our home over these last few years, tough love. I'm all about the "love" part, but I don't do so well with the "tough". Thing is, if I could just master this one really big challenge - learning to love my girls with firmness and presenting an attitude of "I'm the mom and you're the kids" - so many (maybe all????) of these other new challenges would be greatly lessened. Still, that's a whole lot easier to say than it is to do for us "sentimental" types. 

At the end of the day, though, I'm thankful for how far God has brought me and for the much-more-promising-looking future that now lies before me. Lord, may I be reminded that "There is therefore now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus"; may I be able to let go of this nasty guilt and enjoy the freedoms You so freely offer me. Help me to be confident and loving and firm in my home and may these precious girls see that moving forward, though scary, is a good thing and we can all be happy again. Amen.

Anniversaries

I've come such a long way, crossed so many bridges, found my light at the end of the tunnel, have new and exciting possibilities for the future opened up to me now.......yet still I am reminded of my "one thing" that gets me every time. When I hear of couples celebrating a 25+ anniversary, that old self-pity rears its ugly head once again. I know, I know, I'm supposed to "rejoice with those who rejoice", but at these times I'd rather everyone else "weep with those who weep" (namely me!). I'll never have the joy of "bragging" about being married 40 or 50 or 60 years. Why does that bother me so? Ok, yeah, I don't want to have to admit this, but it's probably the old "P" word - pride. I continue to be hit upside the head with how much that factors into my life on a daily basis. So I will just have to keep fighting it, and pray that the Lord keeps showering those "new mercies" on me each morning, and that He will keep me looking forward and not backward. Or rather, that He'll just keep me looking at Him. Because in eternity, I'll be right there rejoicing and celebrating Him with all those who were married forever as well as those whose marriages didn't turn out as planned, like mine. And none of that will even matter one bit!

The "Dirty D Word"

It happened the other day, almost without my even noticing. I referred to myself as being the "d" word, and I didn't even flinch! Nor did I feel the necessity to bore my listeners with the gory details of why I am divorced and assure them that "this was NOT my desire." Oh, nothing has really changed in my thinking - I still hate divorce like God does and it is not the end I ultimately wanted. But it is, nonetheless, the end God is allowing and I have finally crossed the threshold of being able to own up to that without feeling like I am less of a person or in some, if I were Hindu, lower caste system. I am who I am.......who God made me to be.......and He loves me infinitely. And nothing anyone - husband or anyone else - does to me can take that away. So I have just decided that I will not let some little label that defines my marital status also define my identity. And that one small decision is making a world of difference in how I hold my head up and face people when I have to tell them, for whatever reason, "I am divorced". Lord, thank you for helping me to finally "get it", that I am indeed a victim of someone else's sin but I do not have to live in a victim mentality. I do not have to make sure everyone I come in contact with understands the horror that I have faced and thinks only the "best" of me. You did not die to save my reputation; you died to save my soul. Thank you that you are good all the time, even when life is tough. Amen.

Finding Closure.......and Peace

Today I will finally get "closure". That's supposed to be a good thing, right?  Finally bringing something to a close that has been lingering around for far too long? Closure is usually bittersweet, though. There's a reason it's lingered.........

Still, it's the "sweet" part that I am determined to focus on today. I have finally come to a place of peace about this and know that "moving forward" is necessary and good for me now. Though I'm still not certain I get the whole big picture of what God is doing in this, I just keep believing He is doing something and since I know that He is good all the time, I trust that He will indeed bring something good out of even this mess. I am thankful that already He has done a very mighty work within me in just bringing me to this point of finding peace in the closure.

Probably still won't get through this day without some tears, though.......

Twenty-four years ago today, I walked down the aisle and exchanged vows with the man I really believed I would spend the rest of my life with. This is the third May 14 that has passed now since that proved not to be the case. I am still in shock over this, and yet, sadly, I find myself getting kind of used to it. It seemed pretty much like a normal day, except for the occasional mind-wanderings I had to fight against. I hate this. I hate that I am adjusting to life without him. I mean I guess that's what I'm supposed to do - adjust, right? But I don't ever want to just be "o.k." with this. I am moving on.........at least outwardly. But inwardly, I'm still trying desperately to figure out how we got from May 14, 1988 to May 14, 2012 and what I'm supposed to do with all the memories in between.


A couple of days ago, a group of friends came over and we cleaned out the garage. I'm grateful to them for helping this lifelong packrat through the difficult task of mass purging. While it felt good to see such progress take place before my eyes, at the same time it broke my heart to see so much of my past life so flippantly tossed aside. And the irony is not missed here as that's what I'm feeling today about my present circumstances. Yeah, it feels good to see myself make progress in this unwanted journey, but I can't stand to see "what once was" just tossed aside, and that's what I feel like I'm doing when I just "move on". If anyone ever figures out how to reconcile these two opposing mindsets, please let me know!


Meanwhile, I lay my head down on my pillow tonight having had a tear-free day, and I look forward to waking up tomorrow and realizing that I don't have to write "May 14" all day long!


Thank you, Lord, for grace in the big things and in the small. Thank you that with you there are no special days I have to try and make normal days - you love me perfectly and steadfastly all the time and I can be certain that will never change. Amen

1 Baby Step Forward, 10 Giant Leaps Backward

I feel like I'm learning to walk all over again. Just can't seem to stay upright and keep moving forward these days. It's been awhile since I've blogged and that is never a good sign - you know, when you get to such a point that you can't seem to do the one thing that you know would probably help pull you out of the pit. So here I am tonight, when I should be going to bed and preparing for a Monday morning that will come much sooner than I'll be ready for, trying desperately to ward off the impending tears and sobs by writing my heart. Well, more than likely I'll end up writing through the tears and sobs but at least then they'll be productive.

There is a mixture of emotions raging inside me tonight. Everything from really disappointing results at music competition to dreading an upcoming weekend alone as the girls go out of town with their dad, to wondering if I need to consider doing something entirely different with  my life. I think I am just weary. Weary of working so hard to prepare for the same event each year and always coming away feeling deflated and defeated. Weary of trying to figure out answers to questions that should never have to be asked. Weary of having to be a mom without an ever-present dad in the picture. Weary of trying to look like I'm holding it all together when in reality I'm still dying inside every day. Weary of having to just "go on" with life when all I really want to do is just crawl in a hole somewhere and hide till it's all over. Weary of knowing where the answer to all my confusion and emptiness lies but not being able to get myself to go there. Weary of living as a victim yet not really wanting....afraid maybe......to let go of that mentality. Weary of making progress and thinking I am really beginning to get all these life lessons, then to immediately take huge leaps backwards and find myself right back at the starting point all over again.

That's where I am right now - back at square one. OK, maybe square two. Nonetheless, I am far enough back to the entrance of my tunnel that I can't see any light at the end again. I've got some dark and scary territory to cover before the light dawns. Of course, I have the Light of the World Himself going before me always. Lord, help me to look to the Light that is always a present reality and to remember that "even the darkness is light to You".

Wedding-phobia

I'm wondering today if I'll ever be able to attend a wedding again. I'm sure there will come a day when I will not have much choice, but so far I've managed to avoid this task. I have missed a couple  recently that I probably should have attended and maybe............just maybe..........somewhere in the dark recesses of my heart I really wanted to be there for these sweet brides, but I just couldn't bring myself to do it. Yeah, I'll admit it - I'm a bit disallusioned about marriage in general right now. I can't say that I really feel happy for these couples.......I just kind of don't feel anything about their marriage. I guess I'm just hoping that 21 years from now, after a seemingly happy marriage, their husbands won't suddenly decide to bail on them. And I'm still afraid that when the preacher offers that "last out" at the end, calling for anyone who sees just reason why this couple shouldn't be joined together (do they even still DO that in weddings???)..........well, I might just be inclined to jump up and respond! I wouldn't really know what my objection would be; all I can do is give them the same advice that I thought we were following all those years - keep your eyes on Christ and seek to put Him first in your marriage. I just hope it works out better for you.

Am I bitter? I don't know. I've really fought hard against the bitterness and most days now I don't think I am.  But when it comes to wedding invitations, I'm not so sure. A married woman can't help but think back to her own wedding when attending another wedding, no matter how long it's been, and I certainly am NOT ready to face that. So am I wrong in avoiding this right now? Not sure about that either. I just think maybe I'm doing what I have to do to keep myself from giving into the bitterness. And I certainly don't want to sit there and sob uncontrollably through someone's "happy" event! Sure, lots of people cry at weddings, but they are generally happy tears and mine would not be that.

So, for now, I'll keep avoiding the "W" event. I still have a few years left before I'll have to face this with my own daughters so hopefully I'll be "at the other end" of this tunnel and be well-stocked with those glorious "new mercies" by then!