Twenty-four years ago today, I walked down the aisle and exchanged vows with the man I really believed I would spend the rest of my life with. This is the third May 14 that has passed now since that proved not to be the case. I am still in shock over this, and yet, sadly, I find myself getting kind of used to it. It seemed pretty much like a normal day, except for the occasional mind-wanderings I had to fight against. I hate this. I hate that I am adjusting to life without him. I mean I guess that's what I'm supposed to do - adjust, right? But I don't ever want to just be "o.k." with this. I am moving on.........at least outwardly. But inwardly, I'm still trying desperately to figure out how we got from May 14, 1988 to May 14, 2012 and what I'm supposed to do with all the memories in between.


A couple of days ago, a group of friends came over and we cleaned out the garage. I'm grateful to them for helping this lifelong packrat through the difficult task of mass purging. While it felt good to see such progress take place before my eyes, at the same time it broke my heart to see so much of my past life so flippantly tossed aside. And the irony is not missed here as that's what I'm feeling today about my present circumstances. Yeah, it feels good to see myself make progress in this unwanted journey, but I can't stand to see "what once was" just tossed aside, and that's what I feel like I'm doing when I just "move on". If anyone ever figures out how to reconcile these two opposing mindsets, please let me know!


Meanwhile, I lay my head down on my pillow tonight having had a tear-free day, and I look forward to waking up tomorrow and realizing that I don't have to write "May 14" all day long!


Thank you, Lord, for grace in the big things and in the small. Thank you that with you there are no special days I have to try and make normal days - you love me perfectly and steadfastly all the time and I can be certain that will never change. Amen

1 Baby Step Forward, 10 Giant Leaps Backward

I feel like I'm learning to walk all over again. Just can't seem to stay upright and keep moving forward these days. It's been awhile since I've blogged and that is never a good sign - you know, when you get to such a point that you can't seem to do the one thing that you know would probably help pull you out of the pit. So here I am tonight, when I should be going to bed and preparing for a Monday morning that will come much sooner than I'll be ready for, trying desperately to ward off the impending tears and sobs by writing my heart. Well, more than likely I'll end up writing through the tears and sobs but at least then they'll be productive.

There is a mixture of emotions raging inside me tonight. Everything from really disappointing results at music competition to dreading an upcoming weekend alone as the girls go out of town with their dad, to wondering if I need to consider doing something entirely different with  my life. I think I am just weary. Weary of working so hard to prepare for the same event each year and always coming away feeling deflated and defeated. Weary of trying to figure out answers to questions that should never have to be asked. Weary of having to be a mom without an ever-present dad in the picture. Weary of trying to look like I'm holding it all together when in reality I'm still dying inside every day. Weary of having to just "go on" with life when all I really want to do is just crawl in a hole somewhere and hide till it's all over. Weary of knowing where the answer to all my confusion and emptiness lies but not being able to get myself to go there. Weary of living as a victim yet not really wanting....afraid maybe......to let go of that mentality. Weary of making progress and thinking I am really beginning to get all these life lessons, then to immediately take huge leaps backwards and find myself right back at the starting point all over again.

That's where I am right now - back at square one. OK, maybe square two. Nonetheless, I am far enough back to the entrance of my tunnel that I can't see any light at the end again. I've got some dark and scary territory to cover before the light dawns. Of course, I have the Light of the World Himself going before me always. Lord, help me to look to the Light that is always a present reality and to remember that "even the darkness is light to You".

Wedding-phobia

I'm wondering today if I'll ever be able to attend a wedding again. I'm sure there will come a day when I will not have much choice, but so far I've managed to avoid this task. I have missed a couple  recently that I probably should have attended and maybe............just maybe..........somewhere in the dark recesses of my heart I really wanted to be there for these sweet brides, but I just couldn't bring myself to do it. Yeah, I'll admit it - I'm a bit disallusioned about marriage in general right now. I can't say that I really feel happy for these couples.......I just kind of don't feel anything about their marriage. I guess I'm just hoping that 21 years from now, after a seemingly happy marriage, their husbands won't suddenly decide to bail on them. And I'm still afraid that when the preacher offers that "last out" at the end, calling for anyone who sees just reason why this couple shouldn't be joined together (do they even still DO that in weddings???)..........well, I might just be inclined to jump up and respond! I wouldn't really know what my objection would be; all I can do is give them the same advice that I thought we were following all those years - keep your eyes on Christ and seek to put Him first in your marriage. I just hope it works out better for you.

Am I bitter? I don't know. I've really fought hard against the bitterness and most days now I don't think I am.  But when it comes to wedding invitations, I'm not so sure. A married woman can't help but think back to her own wedding when attending another wedding, no matter how long it's been, and I certainly am NOT ready to face that. So am I wrong in avoiding this right now? Not sure about that either. I just think maybe I'm doing what I have to do to keep myself from giving into the bitterness. And I certainly don't want to sit there and sob uncontrollably through someone's "happy" event! Sure, lots of people cry at weddings, but they are generally happy tears and mine would not be that.

So, for now, I'll keep avoiding the "W" event. I still have a few years left before I'll have to face this with my own daughters so hopefully I'll be "at the other end" of this tunnel and be well-stocked with those glorious "new mercies" by then!

Me and Alexander

I used to love reading the book Alexander and the Terrible, Horrible, No-good, Very bad Day to my girls when they were little. Well I kind of had one of those days today. All day I found myself in situations that made me feel like a complete failure. I didn't seem to be able to keep my 8th graders under control in class this morning......I discovered a huge and very costly oversight in my checking account (when I'm barely making it from check to check anyway) and had to ask for help yet again......I didn't communicate as well as I should have in a particular situation which came back to bite me big time......I had a good but difficult counseling session with my discipleship pastor in which I was challenged that I need to have a hard conversation with someone......which was all the more verified when that someone culminated my "Alexander" day by chiding me for not taking our daughter's poor academic status seriously. Really??? Can anybody say "Let's kick her while she's down"?  Does someone who made the choice to remove himself from the family structure really have the right to make such a statement?

I am, I believe, doing all I can do right now to make ends meet and hold my household together. No, I'm not doing it all perfectly, but I'm certainly not just sitting on my rear, acting like money grows on trees, singing "que sera, sera" while my child fails in school. But tonight? I'm just not feeling like it really matters all that much either way. Can anybody say "Been there, done that"?

Father, I desperately need to be reminded tonight that You do not see me as a failure and that I must not "grow weary in well-doing". Please help me to keep "pressing on toward the goal of the upward call in Christ Jesus" even when life throws lemons (or watermelons!) at me. Remind me that I am not defined by how others see me for they look only on the outside while You look on the heart. And what do You see in my heart? The robe of Christ's righteousness! And that should definitely keep me from giving into the "victim" mentality that is tugging and pulling at me as I type. Thank You, Lord, for amazing grace. Amen.

I remember back when our three girls were little and we used to think about the future and what it would be like for Daddy to be the only male in a hormone-crazed household. He used to kid that when they all reached that point, he would move out for awhile until things calmed down...........well at least I thought he was kidding. But here I am now, alone with these three tween/teen girls and feeling extremely overwhelmed and wondering if I'm going to be able to pull this off. Some days I just wonder if we'll all even come out alive! There's the bickering and the primping and the bickering and the mood swings and the bickering and the friendship problems and the bickering and the aversion to chores and.......oh, did I mention the bickering? I don't mean to sound negative about my children. I really am very thankful for my girls and the blessing they are in my life and others'. I don't know what I would have done without them by my side these last two years. They are sweet and well-behaved for the most part. But I think everything just seems so much larger to me now that I am facing it all alone. I don't have "Daddy" here to talk through issues with and intervene when necessary and tackle the really hard stuff. He could always explain things so well to them and I often falter at that. Submission was not ordinarily much of a struggle for me - I was more than happy to let him lead (though of course I did not do that perfectly either). But now I must learn to lead this little flock of flighty, fickle, fun-loving, frivolous females. Lord, give me strength to face the undaunting task of, at least for now, being a single mom to teenagers. Thank you for the young ladies I am seeing my girls turn into. Please prune where pruning is necessary, give sight where there is still blindness, and bring life where death still reigns. Remind me daily that I am really not ever alone and that You will lead me perfectly as I learn to trust You more. Just help me to be the "Mommy" my girls need right now and to remember that I can plant seeds and water but only You can bring the growth.

Another Weepy Sunday

I am very thankful to have been back with my church family worshipping this morning, but once again I found myself all weepy through most of the service. Thankfully, this is at least happening less than it was there for awhile. At the same time, I am learning to see the tears as a good thing and not be ashamed of them. As I sang recently in church: What if Your blessings come through raindrops, what if Your healing comes through tears? If the latter is true, I surely must be the healthiest person on the face of the earth by now!!! Today, my emotions were quite varied, just way too much nostalgia - everything from dreading an impending, heart-wrenching goodbye to dear friends to the normal missing my husband to recognizing once again the extent of Christ's sacrifice on my behalf as I partook of His table and grieving over Chris' removing himself from this blessing. I can only hope those sitting around me were not distracted from worship by the very active fountain in the pew nearby!
I did branch out a little bit today and invited my dear in-laws over for lunch. I have been wanting to do this, but it is just so darn awkward now. But they came today and we had a nice visit together........until.........As we were all sitting around the living room helping A with her summer reading project, one of those "trivial", unintentionally hurtful comments was made. Referring to H's non-interest in English grammar, her grandmother remarked "You take after your daddy in that." If it had stopped there I probably would have been o.k., but she went on to say, "Though he is getting better which was evident in his last paper I checked for him." Sounds trivial enough, doesn't it? And while I know she meant no harm whatsoever by it, what was hidden in there for me was "That is supposed to be MY job; I USED to be the one who edited all his papers!!!!" Will I ever get to the point to where these little types of comments don't bother me? Do I even WANT to get to that point? I think I still feel like I'm "giving in" to this distorted way of living if these things don't bother me. Anyway, I really have no ill will toward my dear m-in-l (and that is evidence of grace right there), but it is very hard to see her in many ways take the place of me in his life. And, while we're on the subject, just the fact that he is writing papers is somewhat confusing and distressing to me. Does anyone else find it odd that he would be pursuing another degree in Reformational history while he continues to live in opposition to a big part of what these Reformers taught? My mind cannot make sense of that.
Still, as the house is quiet now except for the inspiring music playing in the background and the occasional chatter of the girls, and as I reflect upon the day so far, I find myself once again thankful for God's grace and healing tears and a really nice visit with the two people who continue to encourage and support me even while being "caught in the middle" of a very difficult situation. And, yes, even for hurtful comments that remind me to look to the One who will never leave me or forsake me or give up on me!

Ok, I had my mini beach vacation and it was awesome, my girls are back home safe and sound from their trip, all should be right with the world shouldn't it? So why do I feel so "blah" tonight? Why do I feel like crying? I suppose it could have to do with the fact that one daughter came home sick or that the beach is still calling my name or that my body finally conceded to exhaustion tonight (this latter point usually holds more weight than I initially realize). But there's some other gnawing "not-right" feeling. I wanted to say on my facebook status tonight: "I am home, my girls are back, balance has been restored to our home" but then I realized I'd have to add ".....well not quite really". There's still that missing element, and a very important element it is. Daddy is not here. I was welcomed back home last night only by a dog & 2 cats, and tonight it is just me here to care for the sickie, listen to their stories, view their pictures, and hear about what they learned. Sure, at some point here soon they will go through the same ritual with their dad, but it will of course have to be without me. That really stinks for me and for them, but sadly that is the nature of our life now.
Another underlying issue for me tonight is, I'm sure, directly related to the nostalgia associated with the girls' location over these past few days. Gulf Shores holds bittersweet memories for me. Our family vacation spot for the first few years of the girls' lives, when I hear them talk about and see pictures of certain places I am immediately transported back in time........but now those memories aren't just sweet; they have the bitter as well. Then, the "biggie" hits me when I hear them talk about the drive home and my mind automatically goes back to that horrible day when I waited an entire afternoon, a complete emotional wreck, for my in-laws to make that very same drive home to hold me and cry with me and help me break the most difficult news ever to our sweet, precious, "innocent" girls. I hate that what used to be just plain ol' good memories have to be so conflicting for me now. Will I ever be able to forget?
Still, in spite of all this, I am beyond grateful to have my girls back home and the four of us back together again. I pray that over the next few days I will hear more about how the Lord challenged and encouraged them through the messages preached and the friendships that were made and/or strengthened. And I will continue to seek to take every thought captive to God's Word and not let bittersweet memories disrupt my walk with Christ. He is Lord of the past, present, and future after all, so why should I waste my time trying to make it all fit together? He alone will bring the proper balance into our home, and He alone knows exactly what that looks like. Will I trust Him?