Ok, I had my mini beach vacation and it was awesome, my girls are back home safe and sound from their trip, all should be right with the world shouldn't it? So why do I feel so "blah" tonight? Why do I feel like crying? I suppose it could have to do with the fact that one daughter came home sick or that the beach is still calling my name or that my body finally conceded to exhaustion tonight (this latter point usually holds more weight than I initially realize). But there's some other gnawing "not-right" feeling. I wanted to say on my facebook status tonight: "I am home, my girls are back, balance has been restored to our home" but then I realized I'd have to add ".....well not quite really". There's still that missing element, and a very important element it is. Daddy is not here. I was welcomed back home last night only by a dog & 2 cats, and tonight it is just me here to care for the sickie, listen to their stories, view their pictures, and hear about what they learned. Sure, at some point here soon they will go through the same ritual with their dad, but it will of course have to be without me. That really stinks for me and for them, but sadly that is the nature of our life now.
Another underlying issue for me tonight is, I'm sure, directly related to the nostalgia associated with the girls' location over these past few days. Gulf Shores holds bittersweet memories for me. Our family vacation spot for the first few years of the girls' lives, when I hear them talk about and see pictures of certain places I am immediately transported back in time........but now those memories aren't just sweet; they have the bitter as well. Then, the "biggie" hits me when I hear them talk about the drive home and my mind automatically goes back to that horrible day when I waited an entire afternoon, a complete emotional wreck, for my in-laws to make that very same drive home to hold me and cry with me and help me break the most difficult news ever to our sweet, precious, "innocent" girls. I hate that what used to be just plain ol' good memories have to be so conflicting for me now. Will I ever be able to forget?
Still, in spite of all this, I am beyond grateful to have my girls back home and the four of us back together again. I pray that over the next few days I will hear more about how the Lord challenged and encouraged them through the messages preached and the friendships that were made and/or strengthened. And I will continue to seek to take every thought captive to God's Word and not let bittersweet memories disrupt my walk with Christ. He is Lord of the past, present, and future after all, so why should I waste my time trying to make it all fit together? He alone will bring the proper balance into our home, and He alone knows exactly what that looks like. Will I trust Him?