Happily Ever After......????

I'm sitting here writing this blog with a dazzling new diamond ring glistening on my left hand. Yeah, I'm getting my happy ending!  In about a month, I will once again get to experience the joys and privileges of being a wife. I am so incredibly thankful for how God has brought me to this point and given me this wonderful new man.

And yet at the same time I have just had a conversation with my oldest daughter who is wanting to move in with her dad. I'm not sure I fully get all that's involved here. After all, I've never been a child of divorce, only the scorned wife. I don't know that I can ever really understand how hard all this has been on my girls. Actually, there's a lot of things I don't know that I'll ever be able to understand. I have come to recognize that I cannot truly see all this from their perspective so we have to be careful to listen to each other and show compassion. Still, now here I am feeling the full weight of this stuck-between-a-rock-and-a-hard-place position: Can I live with myself always wondering if I have pushed my daughter away with this decision? On the other hand, there is a lot at stake for the rest of us if I just walked away now so could I live with myself then either? The answer to both questions would have to be "no". So what do I do?  I thought we had worked through all of the obstacles, but now here at the 11th hour we've been thrown another one.

So fairy tale endings aren't necessarily all they're cracked up to be. Not sure they're ever even really possible in this fallen world. But one thing I do know for sure: I serve a God who time and time again has turned mourning into dancing and made beauty out of ashes. The fact that I will say "I do" next month is one more proof of this. So He can do the same with my daughter. All I can do is continue to move ahead with how He has led thus far and trust Him to "take care of the rest", to quote an old Keith Green song.
Lord, help me to be careful to see YOUR plan in this new obstacle. Give me that unselfish, unconditional love for my daughter that truly wants what is best for her......even if that ends up being the thing that will be the hardest for me. Help me to not place an unnecessary burden upon myself and allow guilt to gnaw away at me. Thank You once again for making my ashes into a thing of beauty and help me to see the "happy" in all this and not let the unhappy distract me from seeing Your blessings. Thank You that one day I truly will get my ultimate "fairy tale ending" when I spend eternity with You and there will be no more sin or sadness....EVER! Amen.

MERRY CHRISTMAS!

I woke up this Christmas morning alone. This is a first-time ever for me. The girls are at their grandparents' with their dad. We have never spent a Christmas Eve in separate houses before. I thought this would be the most horrible thing ever, but you know what? I'm o.k.!! Good ol' Siggy was here with me, of course, to keep me company and protect me. I had a great evening, starting with attending the service at church, then a late dinner with the girls & my mom at one of the few places open, then a very special evening with my very special man who, of course, showered me with love and gifts! So I really can't complain. Mark & I even watched the "Ernest" Christmas movie together - what could top that???

Still, I had my "moments" - when the tears threatened to overflow and I wanted to just give up the fight and give into the emotion and be a "victim" again. But I didn't. Praise the Lord, I didn't! I even had some other options put before me, but in the end I chose to just stay home in my "comfort zone". And now here I am on Christmas morning in a way-too-quiet house with my loyal four-legged friend beside me, remembering Emmanuel, God with us, and anticipating the big day ahead. In a little while, I will get up, turn on some Christmas music, make my pie, then get ready and head over to my mom's where I will meet up with my sweet girls around noon and we will all celebrate "God With Us" together.

Last night, my dear former father-in-law came by to get a left-behind gift and he wanted to give me a "Christmas hug." As he fought back tears, I was reminded once again that I am not the only person who has suffered through all of this. This was a different Christmas Eve for all of us and they were working through stuff too, having to learn to embrace a different daughter-in-law after 21 years. His sentiment meant a lot to me and I am so thankful that God has preserved this relationship along the way.

Most of all, though, I am thankful for the so-often-needed reminder that I am really never alone. The song we have been singing in church all month really sums it up:

               God is with us, He has come to save us; mercy lights the darkness, Christ is here.
               God is with us, healer of the broken, word of heaven spoken; Christ is here.

Yes, Christ is here. Which reminds me.......MERRY CHRISTMAS!!

One "Boo" for Every "Yay"

Have you ever gotten stuck in a rut where it seems like there's one bad thing that happens for every one good thing? Yay - I responded to that so well.....:) Boo - I flubbed that one miserably. :(
Yay - I'm really getting this concept!! :).......Boo - Ok, maybe I don't get it at all. :( Can anybody relate?

That pretty well sums up my last few weeks. I've had some pretty significant victories in my journey, but it seems like each one has been met with a huge defeat on the backside. That can be quite discouraging.

Tonight, I made a complete fool out of myself in front of my girls in a public place. I was exhausted (I have way overcommitted myself recently and am trying desperately to hold it together and keep it all going for just a few more weeks when relief will come), and I lost it over something really stupid. Well, o.k., trivial might be a better word. It certainly didn't seem stupid or trivial at the time, though! And for some reason, this had to occur the night before we are all going our separate ways on trips. Of course, that in itself I'm sure has a lot more to do with my losing it tonight than I want to admit. There's the "one bad" chasing down the "one good" again.

I made it through "try-not-to-remember" day just fine. Hardly even noticed it actually. Yay!! Last night, I had a conversation in which I found myself answering questions about my marital status in a very straightforward manner without feeling the need to give any specifics or defend myself and give my sob story. My listener can do whatever he wants with the answers I gave him; God knows the details. There's my "yay"! But then I come home to the reality that my daughter is starting to embrace her new stepmom and that old self-belittlement reared its ugly head once again. Boo. Today, I had a great conversation with a "been-there-done-that" friend and was feeling on top of the world in how far I've come in this journey. I even got a card in the mail from a mentor telling me how he had noticed God's work in my life over these last four years and specifically this last month. Wow! Then tonight......well, you know. Yeah, big-time Boo. I have people telling me that I will eventually get beyond this point, that I will finally be freed from this seesaw of life that I'm on. Oh how I want that to be true, but right now I'm having a hard time believing it.

As I try and get myself "wound down" tonight, I pray that I will be able to focus on the many "Yay" moments. Because really, when I think about it, I'm pretty sure they have been far outweighing the "Boo" ones here lately. It's just that the bad moments leave scars.

Jesus, please forgive me for my display of anger and selfishness tonight. Please help my girls to be able to forgive me as well. Help me to be able to pick myself up and cease and desist the singing of the "Poor Pitiful Me" song. Remind me of the sermon I just listened to on Your love and that it is not dependent upon my - or anyone else's - behavior. I pray that we all have a good trip over these next couple of days and that our love for each other will not be affected by the "boo" moment we shared tonight. You have brought me to such a brighter place.......help me to stay in the light where You are. Amen.

Happier Times, New Challenges, Guilt, and Tough Love

Why is it that moving forward and finding happiness in your life again only brings about new challenges? I guess it's because true contentment is best obtained through the school of hard knocks. 

I am rejoicing in so many things nowadays - much more stable emotions, daily laughter, strength to move ahead and quit trying desperately to hang on to the past, a daughter who's now driving and has a car which greatly helps the "Mom's Taxi Service" drudgery, and a new special person in my life. All of these things, though (and I could mention more), bring about their own challenges - I do still cry at times and have to deal with my general emotional makeup; often I take one or two giant leaps forward but then quickly find myself going backwards again; the daughter driving of course brings with it a new set of worries; and the "special person" in my life is unfortunately not so special to everyone in my household.  

Thus, the challenges continue. I'm learning that guilt is still a very big issue for me - more so than I think I ever realized it was in the first place. I feel guilty that am so much happier and more stable now, I feel guilty about letting my daughter go driving around all over the place and expecting her to help me with the taxi service now, and I feel guilty that I now have another man to love and who loves me and wants to take care of me......not just me, but all of us. All of this guilt is weighing me down and keeping me from enjoying my new found freedoms and joys to their fullest extent.

I'm also recognizing that there has been an element missing- or at the least very distant - in our home over these last few years, tough love. I'm all about the "love" part, but I don't do so well with the "tough". Thing is, if I could just master this one really big challenge - learning to love my girls with firmness and presenting an attitude of "I'm the mom and you're the kids" - so many (maybe all????) of these other new challenges would be greatly lessened. Still, that's a whole lot easier to say than it is to do for us "sentimental" types. 

At the end of the day, though, I'm thankful for how far God has brought me and for the much-more-promising-looking future that now lies before me. Lord, may I be reminded that "There is therefore now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus"; may I be able to let go of this nasty guilt and enjoy the freedoms You so freely offer me. Help me to be confident and loving and firm in my home and may these precious girls see that moving forward, though scary, is a good thing and we can all be happy again. Amen.

Anniversaries

I've come such a long way, crossed so many bridges, found my light at the end of the tunnel, have new and exciting possibilities for the future opened up to me now.......yet still I am reminded of my "one thing" that gets me every time. When I hear of couples celebrating a 25+ anniversary, that old self-pity rears its ugly head once again. I know, I know, I'm supposed to "rejoice with those who rejoice", but at these times I'd rather everyone else "weep with those who weep" (namely me!). I'll never have the joy of "bragging" about being married 40 or 50 or 60 years. Why does that bother me so? Ok, yeah, I don't want to have to admit this, but it's probably the old "P" word - pride. I continue to be hit upside the head with how much that factors into my life on a daily basis. So I will just have to keep fighting it, and pray that the Lord keeps showering those "new mercies" on me each morning, and that He will keep me looking forward and not backward. Or rather, that He'll just keep me looking at Him. Because in eternity, I'll be right there rejoicing and celebrating Him with all those who were married forever as well as those whose marriages didn't turn out as planned, like mine. And none of that will even matter one bit!

The "Dirty D Word"

It happened the other day, almost without my even noticing. I referred to myself as being the "d" word, and I didn't even flinch! Nor did I feel the necessity to bore my listeners with the gory details of why I am divorced and assure them that "this was NOT my desire." Oh, nothing has really changed in my thinking - I still hate divorce like God does and it is not the end I ultimately wanted. But it is, nonetheless, the end God is allowing and I have finally crossed the threshold of being able to own up to that without feeling like I am less of a person or in some, if I were Hindu, lower caste system. I am who I am.......who God made me to be.......and He loves me infinitely. And nothing anyone - husband or anyone else - does to me can take that away. So I have just decided that I will not let some little label that defines my marital status also define my identity. And that one small decision is making a world of difference in how I hold my head up and face people when I have to tell them, for whatever reason, "I am divorced". Lord, thank you for helping me to finally "get it", that I am indeed a victim of someone else's sin but I do not have to live in a victim mentality. I do not have to make sure everyone I come in contact with understands the horror that I have faced and thinks only the "best" of me. You did not die to save my reputation; you died to save my soul. Thank you that you are good all the time, even when life is tough. Amen.

Finding Closure.......and Peace

Today I will finally get "closure". That's supposed to be a good thing, right?  Finally bringing something to a close that has been lingering around for far too long? Closure is usually bittersweet, though. There's a reason it's lingered.........

Still, it's the "sweet" part that I am determined to focus on today. I have finally come to a place of peace about this and know that "moving forward" is necessary and good for me now. Though I'm still not certain I get the whole big picture of what God is doing in this, I just keep believing He is doing something and since I know that He is good all the time, I trust that He will indeed bring something good out of even this mess. I am thankful that already He has done a very mighty work within me in just bringing me to this point of finding peace in the closure.

Probably still won't get through this day without some tears, though.......

Twenty-four years ago today, I walked down the aisle and exchanged vows with the man I really believed I would spend the rest of my life with. This is the third May 14 that has passed now since that proved not to be the case. I am still in shock over this, and yet, sadly, I find myself getting kind of used to it. It seemed pretty much like a normal day, except for the occasional mind-wanderings I had to fight against. I hate this. I hate that I am adjusting to life without him. I mean I guess that's what I'm supposed to do - adjust, right? But I don't ever want to just be "o.k." with this. I am moving on.........at least outwardly. But inwardly, I'm still trying desperately to figure out how we got from May 14, 1988 to May 14, 2012 and what I'm supposed to do with all the memories in between.


A couple of days ago, a group of friends came over and we cleaned out the garage. I'm grateful to them for helping this lifelong packrat through the difficult task of mass purging. While it felt good to see such progress take place before my eyes, at the same time it broke my heart to see so much of my past life so flippantly tossed aside. And the irony is not missed here as that's what I'm feeling today about my present circumstances. Yeah, it feels good to see myself make progress in this unwanted journey, but I can't stand to see "what once was" just tossed aside, and that's what I feel like I'm doing when I just "move on". If anyone ever figures out how to reconcile these two opposing mindsets, please let me know!


Meanwhile, I lay my head down on my pillow tonight having had a tear-free day, and I look forward to waking up tomorrow and realizing that I don't have to write "May 14" all day long!


Thank you, Lord, for grace in the big things and in the small. Thank you that with you there are no special days I have to try and make normal days - you love me perfectly and steadfastly all the time and I can be certain that will never change. Amen

1 Baby Step Forward, 10 Giant Leaps Backward

I feel like I'm learning to walk all over again. Just can't seem to stay upright and keep moving forward these days. It's been awhile since I've blogged and that is never a good sign - you know, when you get to such a point that you can't seem to do the one thing that you know would probably help pull you out of the pit. So here I am tonight, when I should be going to bed and preparing for a Monday morning that will come much sooner than I'll be ready for, trying desperately to ward off the impending tears and sobs by writing my heart. Well, more than likely I'll end up writing through the tears and sobs but at least then they'll be productive.

There is a mixture of emotions raging inside me tonight. Everything from really disappointing results at music competition to dreading an upcoming weekend alone as the girls go out of town with their dad, to wondering if I need to consider doing something entirely different with  my life. I think I am just weary. Weary of working so hard to prepare for the same event each year and always coming away feeling deflated and defeated. Weary of trying to figure out answers to questions that should never have to be asked. Weary of having to be a mom without an ever-present dad in the picture. Weary of trying to look like I'm holding it all together when in reality I'm still dying inside every day. Weary of having to just "go on" with life when all I really want to do is just crawl in a hole somewhere and hide till it's all over. Weary of knowing where the answer to all my confusion and emptiness lies but not being able to get myself to go there. Weary of living as a victim yet not really wanting....afraid maybe......to let go of that mentality. Weary of making progress and thinking I am really beginning to get all these life lessons, then to immediately take huge leaps backwards and find myself right back at the starting point all over again.

That's where I am right now - back at square one. OK, maybe square two. Nonetheless, I am far enough back to the entrance of my tunnel that I can't see any light at the end again. I've got some dark and scary territory to cover before the light dawns. Of course, I have the Light of the World Himself going before me always. Lord, help me to look to the Light that is always a present reality and to remember that "even the darkness is light to You".

Wedding-phobia

I'm wondering today if I'll ever be able to attend a wedding again. I'm sure there will come a day when I will not have much choice, but so far I've managed to avoid this task. I have missed a couple  recently that I probably should have attended and maybe............just maybe..........somewhere in the dark recesses of my heart I really wanted to be there for these sweet brides, but I just couldn't bring myself to do it. Yeah, I'll admit it - I'm a bit disallusioned about marriage in general right now. I can't say that I really feel happy for these couples.......I just kind of don't feel anything about their marriage. I guess I'm just hoping that 21 years from now, after a seemingly happy marriage, their husbands won't suddenly decide to bail on them. And I'm still afraid that when the preacher offers that "last out" at the end, calling for anyone who sees just reason why this couple shouldn't be joined together (do they even still DO that in weddings???)..........well, I might just be inclined to jump up and respond! I wouldn't really know what my objection would be; all I can do is give them the same advice that I thought we were following all those years - keep your eyes on Christ and seek to put Him first in your marriage. I just hope it works out better for you.

Am I bitter? I don't know. I've really fought hard against the bitterness and most days now I don't think I am.  But when it comes to wedding invitations, I'm not so sure. A married woman can't help but think back to her own wedding when attending another wedding, no matter how long it's been, and I certainly am NOT ready to face that. So am I wrong in avoiding this right now? Not sure about that either. I just think maybe I'm doing what I have to do to keep myself from giving into the bitterness. And I certainly don't want to sit there and sob uncontrollably through someone's "happy" event! Sure, lots of people cry at weddings, but they are generally happy tears and mine would not be that.

So, for now, I'll keep avoiding the "W" event. I still have a few years left before I'll have to face this with my own daughters so hopefully I'll be "at the other end" of this tunnel and be well-stocked with those glorious "new mercies" by then!

Me and Alexander

I used to love reading the book Alexander and the Terrible, Horrible, No-good, Very bad Day to my girls when they were little. Well I kind of had one of those days today. All day I found myself in situations that made me feel like a complete failure. I didn't seem to be able to keep my 8th graders under control in class this morning......I discovered a huge and very costly oversight in my checking account (when I'm barely making it from check to check anyway) and had to ask for help yet again......I didn't communicate as well as I should have in a particular situation which came back to bite me big time......I had a good but difficult counseling session with my discipleship pastor in which I was challenged that I need to have a hard conversation with someone......which was all the more verified when that someone culminated my "Alexander" day by chiding me for not taking our daughter's poor academic status seriously. Really??? Can anybody say "Let's kick her while she's down"?  Does someone who made the choice to remove himself from the family structure really have the right to make such a statement?

I am, I believe, doing all I can do right now to make ends meet and hold my household together. No, I'm not doing it all perfectly, but I'm certainly not just sitting on my rear, acting like money grows on trees, singing "que sera, sera" while my child fails in school. But tonight? I'm just not feeling like it really matters all that much either way. Can anybody say "Been there, done that"?

Father, I desperately need to be reminded tonight that You do not see me as a failure and that I must not "grow weary in well-doing". Please help me to keep "pressing on toward the goal of the upward call in Christ Jesus" even when life throws lemons (or watermelons!) at me. Remind me that I am not defined by how others see me for they look only on the outside while You look on the heart. And what do You see in my heart? The robe of Christ's righteousness! And that should definitely keep me from giving into the "victim" mentality that is tugging and pulling at me as I type. Thank You, Lord, for amazing grace. Amen.

I remember back when our three girls were little and we used to think about the future and what it would be like for Daddy to be the only male in a hormone-crazed household. He used to kid that when they all reached that point, he would move out for awhile until things calmed down...........well at least I thought he was kidding. But here I am now, alone with these three tween/teen girls and feeling extremely overwhelmed and wondering if I'm going to be able to pull this off. Some days I just wonder if we'll all even come out alive! There's the bickering and the primping and the bickering and the mood swings and the bickering and the friendship problems and the bickering and the aversion to chores and.......oh, did I mention the bickering? I don't mean to sound negative about my children. I really am very thankful for my girls and the blessing they are in my life and others'. I don't know what I would have done without them by my side these last two years. They are sweet and well-behaved for the most part. But I think everything just seems so much larger to me now that I am facing it all alone. I don't have "Daddy" here to talk through issues with and intervene when necessary and tackle the really hard stuff. He could always explain things so well to them and I often falter at that. Submission was not ordinarily much of a struggle for me - I was more than happy to let him lead (though of course I did not do that perfectly either). But now I must learn to lead this little flock of flighty, fickle, fun-loving, frivolous females. Lord, give me strength to face the undaunting task of, at least for now, being a single mom to teenagers. Thank you for the young ladies I am seeing my girls turn into. Please prune where pruning is necessary, give sight where there is still blindness, and bring life where death still reigns. Remind me daily that I am really not ever alone and that You will lead me perfectly as I learn to trust You more. Just help me to be the "Mommy" my girls need right now and to remember that I can plant seeds and water but only You can bring the growth.

Another Weepy Sunday

I am very thankful to have been back with my church family worshipping this morning, but once again I found myself all weepy through most of the service. Thankfully, this is at least happening less than it was there for awhile. At the same time, I am learning to see the tears as a good thing and not be ashamed of them. As I sang recently in church: What if Your blessings come through raindrops, what if Your healing comes through tears? If the latter is true, I surely must be the healthiest person on the face of the earth by now!!! Today, my emotions were quite varied, just way too much nostalgia - everything from dreading an impending, heart-wrenching goodbye to dear friends to the normal missing my husband to recognizing once again the extent of Christ's sacrifice on my behalf as I partook of His table and grieving over Chris' removing himself from this blessing. I can only hope those sitting around me were not distracted from worship by the very active fountain in the pew nearby!
I did branch out a little bit today and invited my dear in-laws over for lunch. I have been wanting to do this, but it is just so darn awkward now. But they came today and we had a nice visit together........until.........As we were all sitting around the living room helping A with her summer reading project, one of those "trivial", unintentionally hurtful comments was made. Referring to H's non-interest in English grammar, her grandmother remarked "You take after your daddy in that." If it had stopped there I probably would have been o.k., but she went on to say, "Though he is getting better which was evident in his last paper I checked for him." Sounds trivial enough, doesn't it? And while I know she meant no harm whatsoever by it, what was hidden in there for me was "That is supposed to be MY job; I USED to be the one who edited all his papers!!!!" Will I ever get to the point to where these little types of comments don't bother me? Do I even WANT to get to that point? I think I still feel like I'm "giving in" to this distorted way of living if these things don't bother me. Anyway, I really have no ill will toward my dear m-in-l (and that is evidence of grace right there), but it is very hard to see her in many ways take the place of me in his life. And, while we're on the subject, just the fact that he is writing papers is somewhat confusing and distressing to me. Does anyone else find it odd that he would be pursuing another degree in Reformational history while he continues to live in opposition to a big part of what these Reformers taught? My mind cannot make sense of that.
Still, as the house is quiet now except for the inspiring music playing in the background and the occasional chatter of the girls, and as I reflect upon the day so far, I find myself once again thankful for God's grace and healing tears and a really nice visit with the two people who continue to encourage and support me even while being "caught in the middle" of a very difficult situation. And, yes, even for hurtful comments that remind me to look to the One who will never leave me or forsake me or give up on me!

Ok, I had my mini beach vacation and it was awesome, my girls are back home safe and sound from their trip, all should be right with the world shouldn't it? So why do I feel so "blah" tonight? Why do I feel like crying? I suppose it could have to do with the fact that one daughter came home sick or that the beach is still calling my name or that my body finally conceded to exhaustion tonight (this latter point usually holds more weight than I initially realize). But there's some other gnawing "not-right" feeling. I wanted to say on my facebook status tonight: "I am home, my girls are back, balance has been restored to our home" but then I realized I'd have to add ".....well not quite really". There's still that missing element, and a very important element it is. Daddy is not here. I was welcomed back home last night only by a dog & 2 cats, and tonight it is just me here to care for the sickie, listen to their stories, view their pictures, and hear about what they learned. Sure, at some point here soon they will go through the same ritual with their dad, but it will of course have to be without me. That really stinks for me and for them, but sadly that is the nature of our life now.
Another underlying issue for me tonight is, I'm sure, directly related to the nostalgia associated with the girls' location over these past few days. Gulf Shores holds bittersweet memories for me. Our family vacation spot for the first few years of the girls' lives, when I hear them talk about and see pictures of certain places I am immediately transported back in time........but now those memories aren't just sweet; they have the bitter as well. Then, the "biggie" hits me when I hear them talk about the drive home and my mind automatically goes back to that horrible day when I waited an entire afternoon, a complete emotional wreck, for my in-laws to make that very same drive home to hold me and cry with me and help me break the most difficult news ever to our sweet, precious, "innocent" girls. I hate that what used to be just plain ol' good memories have to be so conflicting for me now. Will I ever be able to forget?
Still, in spite of all this, I am beyond grateful to have my girls back home and the four of us back together again. I pray that over the next few days I will hear more about how the Lord challenged and encouraged them through the messages preached and the friendships that were made and/or strengthened. And I will continue to seek to take every thought captive to God's Word and not let bittersweet memories disrupt my walk with Christ. He is Lord of the past, present, and future after all, so why should I waste my time trying to make it all fit together? He alone will bring the proper balance into our home, and He alone knows exactly what that looks like. Will I trust Him?

"Sandyland"

As I walked on the beach today, I kept singing this song from my youth over and over:
Don't build your house on the sandyland; don't build it too near the shore
Well it might be kind of nice but you'll have to build it twice,
Then you'll have to build your house once more.
You gotta build your house upon a rock; make a sure foundation on a solid spot.
Well the storms may come and go, but the peace of God you will know.
Standing in the ocean and feeling myself sink in the sand was a great real life picture of the meaning of this song. Mother & I would stand and let the waves hit us, but before too long we would start to sink and have to change positions. We held on tight to each other as we continually felt like we would fall. And as I later walked along the shore and sang in my head while seeing the waves come crashing in, I couldn't help but contemplate how I have been guilty of building on sandyland. Much of the last 21 years of my life were spent building a foundation on the sandyland of my "fairy-tale" idea of marriage & family. Oh, I knew all along that even that was temporal and that Christ needed to be central and it's not that I didn't ever strive for that. I know I did. But often, when the waves & storms came crashing in, I think instead of rebuilding on a more solid foundation, I just changed positions in the sand. Then the ultimate wave crashing hit and everything came out from under me. This time, as I rebuild, I'm making certain that I build in a nice firm solid spot with no trace of sand underneath. Even though I knew it intellectually all along, the greater teacher of experience is now teaching me every day that the one constant in my life is the Rock, Jesus Christ. I can't control where other people (like estranged husbands) build their foundation, but I can make sure my own is sure and solid.
Thank You, Lord, for using such beautiful word pictures for life lessons in Your Word. I was also reminded today of Your promise to Abraham to make his descendants as many as the grains of sand on the seashore. What an amazing wonder to know that I am one of those grains! Thank You for making Yourself known to me today through Your beautiful creation.

Long Days, Loneliness, & Letting Go

Wow, what a long day! Hard to believe that it was less than 24 hours ago that I dropped the girls off at church for youth camp. But here I am, sitting in my condo at the beach about to go get lost in my king-sized bed. We all made it safely to our destinations. My flight was great and I got to see an awesome sunset from the plane window. Thank you, Lord, for these blessings.
As I waited to see the vans pull out this morning, after giving final hugs and "I love yous", I stood there feeling the lonliness start to engulf me, especially as I looked around and saw all the mom-and-dad combos that were there seeing their children off and many of them asking me if I was looking forward to my few days of "freedom". Well, yeah, I am...........but don't they realize that time away from children is supposed to be good because it means time with spouse??? Ok, so here's where my blog title whacks me upside the head. My Maker is my Husband............
So what did I do with the rest of my day? Well, after going back to bed and sleeping 3 more hours, I had a wonderfully edifying phone conversation with a friend from way back, packed, took a break to sing through the song that has been such a "blessing" to me recently and let the words really sink in, basked in the wonder of flying and the beauty of the sky while on the plane, so that by the time we touched down in Orlando I was miles away from not only home and girls but also from the pity party that I entertained briefly earlier today and this erroneous idea of being "alone". Thank you, Lord, for your grace beyond measure!!! And thank you for allowing me to come on this trip with my dear mom & sister who have their own needs for encouragement and companionship. I do love them and am blessed to be with them. And keep reminding me that even in the absence of human companionship (which I really have never known) you are my all-in-all and I can never be alone. I love you, Lord.

Bittersweet Vacation & Growing Children

I love the beach and I love vacations, so why would a beach vacation be bittersweet? This is one I will be taking without my precious girls or, of course, my husband. The girls will be going to another beach, over 400 miles away, on a church youth trip while my mom, sister, & I enjoy a 3-day getaway. I am looking forward to it, but in many ways this is a reminder to me of the fact that my children are growing up and before I blink too many more times, they will be leaving the nest. That is a thought I am not ready to embrace at all (I know no mom ever really is, but it's different when the prospect before you is one of being totally alone). But tonight I will not allow myself to think too far in advance. Instead, I will just wish my girls well as I see them off at 5 a.m. (is there even LIFE at that hour???) and then prepare for my own trip later in the day. And, though in some ways it won't be the same without them and I do hope we can still enjoy some vacations together in the future, I will seek to find joy and peace in the fact that I can put my "mom duties" aside for a few days and just relax (hmmm, do I know the meaning of that word?). And I will pray some special prayers for my youngest (12) who has never before taken a trip like this without her "mommy" and is afraid she will get homesick. Lord, may these next few days be a glimpse of heaven - our real home - as we each see Your handiwork in our various settings, and when we all reunite on Wednesday may we have stories to share of Your love, protection and goodness. Look out, Beach, here we come!!!!

It's Not Really About the Insurance.......

I have spent the last two days online and on the phone researching health insurance options. This is not something I desire to do, but it is, alas, a necessity due to the changing circumstances in my life. These are circumstances that I don't like, are being forced upon me, and I'd do just about anything to avoid. But for whatever reason (which I know has to be ultimately good), God is not changing this unpleasant situation and thus I must figure out how to walk through it gracefully. And right now that means trying to find adequate, affordable insurance for myself. I have such a love/hate relationship with insurance (as everyone can probably relate) and now even more so. I gotta have it, but I don't wanna go through all the red tape necessary to get it. But you know, it's really not just about the insurance for me........it's really about the fact that for the last 21 years I've had a husband to take care of this issue for me and I still want that to be the case. Ok, there, I said it. And I even went so far as to say by the end of today - after my 25 phone calls from hungry insurance predators who all told me what I already knew, I can't afford insurance - that I would just rather live without it than to have to keep answering all these nosy questions about my private life and why I find myself needing new insurance and all that. I mean if I don't ever go to the doctor I won't know if anything is wrong anyway, right? Well, once again I must remind myself that I am in the hands of the Great Physician and He will protect me and provide for me. And though I'm not entirely sure yet just what that will look like, I know it will be better than anything I can figure out on my own. So I must seek, pray, trust, and obey. Still, I don't think I'm going to answer my phone for the next few days........