Wedding-phobia

I'm wondering today if I'll ever be able to attend a wedding again. I'm sure there will come a day when I will not have much choice, but so far I've managed to avoid this task. I have missed a couple  recently that I probably should have attended and maybe............just maybe..........somewhere in the dark recesses of my heart I really wanted to be there for these sweet brides, but I just couldn't bring myself to do it. Yeah, I'll admit it - I'm a bit disallusioned about marriage in general right now. I can't say that I really feel happy for these couples.......I just kind of don't feel anything about their marriage. I guess I'm just hoping that 21 years from now, after a seemingly happy marriage, their husbands won't suddenly decide to bail on them. And I'm still afraid that when the preacher offers that "last out" at the end, calling for anyone who sees just reason why this couple shouldn't be joined together (do they even still DO that in weddings???)..........well, I might just be inclined to jump up and respond! I wouldn't really know what my objection would be; all I can do is give them the same advice that I thought we were following all those years - keep your eyes on Christ and seek to put Him first in your marriage. I just hope it works out better for you.

Am I bitter? I don't know. I've really fought hard against the bitterness and most days now I don't think I am.  But when it comes to wedding invitations, I'm not so sure. A married woman can't help but think back to her own wedding when attending another wedding, no matter how long it's been, and I certainly am NOT ready to face that. So am I wrong in avoiding this right now? Not sure about that either. I just think maybe I'm doing what I have to do to keep myself from giving into the bitterness. And I certainly don't want to sit there and sob uncontrollably through someone's "happy" event! Sure, lots of people cry at weddings, but they are generally happy tears and mine would not be that.

So, for now, I'll keep avoiding the "W" event. I still have a few years left before I'll have to face this with my own daughters so hopefully I'll be "at the other end" of this tunnel and be well-stocked with those glorious "new mercies" by then!

Me and Alexander

I used to love reading the book Alexander and the Terrible, Horrible, No-good, Very bad Day to my girls when they were little. Well I kind of had one of those days today. All day I found myself in situations that made me feel like a complete failure. I didn't seem to be able to keep my 8th graders under control in class this morning......I discovered a huge and very costly oversight in my checking account (when I'm barely making it from check to check anyway) and had to ask for help yet again......I didn't communicate as well as I should have in a particular situation which came back to bite me big time......I had a good but difficult counseling session with my discipleship pastor in which I was challenged that I need to have a hard conversation with someone......which was all the more verified when that someone culminated my "Alexander" day by chiding me for not taking our daughter's poor academic status seriously. Really??? Can anybody say "Let's kick her while she's down"?  Does someone who made the choice to remove himself from the family structure really have the right to make such a statement?

I am, I believe, doing all I can do right now to make ends meet and hold my household together. No, I'm not doing it all perfectly, but I'm certainly not just sitting on my rear, acting like money grows on trees, singing "que sera, sera" while my child fails in school. But tonight? I'm just not feeling like it really matters all that much either way. Can anybody say "Been there, done that"?

Father, I desperately need to be reminded tonight that You do not see me as a failure and that I must not "grow weary in well-doing". Please help me to keep "pressing on toward the goal of the upward call in Christ Jesus" even when life throws lemons (or watermelons!) at me. Remind me that I am not defined by how others see me for they look only on the outside while You look on the heart. And what do You see in my heart? The robe of Christ's righteousness! And that should definitely keep me from giving into the "victim" mentality that is tugging and pulling at me as I type. Thank You, Lord, for amazing grace. Amen.

I remember back when our three girls were little and we used to think about the future and what it would be like for Daddy to be the only male in a hormone-crazed household. He used to kid that when they all reached that point, he would move out for awhile until things calmed down...........well at least I thought he was kidding. But here I am now, alone with these three tween/teen girls and feeling extremely overwhelmed and wondering if I'm going to be able to pull this off. Some days I just wonder if we'll all even come out alive! There's the bickering and the primping and the bickering and the mood swings and the bickering and the friendship problems and the bickering and the aversion to chores and.......oh, did I mention the bickering? I don't mean to sound negative about my children. I really am very thankful for my girls and the blessing they are in my life and others'. I don't know what I would have done without them by my side these last two years. They are sweet and well-behaved for the most part. But I think everything just seems so much larger to me now that I am facing it all alone. I don't have "Daddy" here to talk through issues with and intervene when necessary and tackle the really hard stuff. He could always explain things so well to them and I often falter at that. Submission was not ordinarily much of a struggle for me - I was more than happy to let him lead (though of course I did not do that perfectly either). But now I must learn to lead this little flock of flighty, fickle, fun-loving, frivolous females. Lord, give me strength to face the undaunting task of, at least for now, being a single mom to teenagers. Thank you for the young ladies I am seeing my girls turn into. Please prune where pruning is necessary, give sight where there is still blindness, and bring life where death still reigns. Remind me daily that I am really not ever alone and that You will lead me perfectly as I learn to trust You more. Just help me to be the "Mommy" my girls need right now and to remember that I can plant seeds and water but only You can bring the growth.

Another Weepy Sunday

I am very thankful to have been back with my church family worshipping this morning, but once again I found myself all weepy through most of the service. Thankfully, this is at least happening less than it was there for awhile. At the same time, I am learning to see the tears as a good thing and not be ashamed of them. As I sang recently in church: What if Your blessings come through raindrops, what if Your healing comes through tears? If the latter is true, I surely must be the healthiest person on the face of the earth by now!!! Today, my emotions were quite varied, just way too much nostalgia - everything from dreading an impending, heart-wrenching goodbye to dear friends to the normal missing my husband to recognizing once again the extent of Christ's sacrifice on my behalf as I partook of His table and grieving over Chris' removing himself from this blessing. I can only hope those sitting around me were not distracted from worship by the very active fountain in the pew nearby!
I did branch out a little bit today and invited my dear in-laws over for lunch. I have been wanting to do this, but it is just so darn awkward now. But they came today and we had a nice visit together........until.........As we were all sitting around the living room helping A with her summer reading project, one of those "trivial", unintentionally hurtful comments was made. Referring to H's non-interest in English grammar, her grandmother remarked "You take after your daddy in that." If it had stopped there I probably would have been o.k., but she went on to say, "Though he is getting better which was evident in his last paper I checked for him." Sounds trivial enough, doesn't it? And while I know she meant no harm whatsoever by it, what was hidden in there for me was "That is supposed to be MY job; I USED to be the one who edited all his papers!!!!" Will I ever get to the point to where these little types of comments don't bother me? Do I even WANT to get to that point? I think I still feel like I'm "giving in" to this distorted way of living if these things don't bother me. Anyway, I really have no ill will toward my dear m-in-l (and that is evidence of grace right there), but it is very hard to see her in many ways take the place of me in his life. And, while we're on the subject, just the fact that he is writing papers is somewhat confusing and distressing to me. Does anyone else find it odd that he would be pursuing another degree in Reformational history while he continues to live in opposition to a big part of what these Reformers taught? My mind cannot make sense of that.
Still, as the house is quiet now except for the inspiring music playing in the background and the occasional chatter of the girls, and as I reflect upon the day so far, I find myself once again thankful for God's grace and healing tears and a really nice visit with the two people who continue to encourage and support me even while being "caught in the middle" of a very difficult situation. And, yes, even for hurtful comments that remind me to look to the One who will never leave me or forsake me or give up on me!

Ok, I had my mini beach vacation and it was awesome, my girls are back home safe and sound from their trip, all should be right with the world shouldn't it? So why do I feel so "blah" tonight? Why do I feel like crying? I suppose it could have to do with the fact that one daughter came home sick or that the beach is still calling my name or that my body finally conceded to exhaustion tonight (this latter point usually holds more weight than I initially realize). But there's some other gnawing "not-right" feeling. I wanted to say on my facebook status tonight: "I am home, my girls are back, balance has been restored to our home" but then I realized I'd have to add ".....well not quite really". There's still that missing element, and a very important element it is. Daddy is not here. I was welcomed back home last night only by a dog & 2 cats, and tonight it is just me here to care for the sickie, listen to their stories, view their pictures, and hear about what they learned. Sure, at some point here soon they will go through the same ritual with their dad, but it will of course have to be without me. That really stinks for me and for them, but sadly that is the nature of our life now.
Another underlying issue for me tonight is, I'm sure, directly related to the nostalgia associated with the girls' location over these past few days. Gulf Shores holds bittersweet memories for me. Our family vacation spot for the first few years of the girls' lives, when I hear them talk about and see pictures of certain places I am immediately transported back in time........but now those memories aren't just sweet; they have the bitter as well. Then, the "biggie" hits me when I hear them talk about the drive home and my mind automatically goes back to that horrible day when I waited an entire afternoon, a complete emotional wreck, for my in-laws to make that very same drive home to hold me and cry with me and help me break the most difficult news ever to our sweet, precious, "innocent" girls. I hate that what used to be just plain ol' good memories have to be so conflicting for me now. Will I ever be able to forget?
Still, in spite of all this, I am beyond grateful to have my girls back home and the four of us back together again. I pray that over the next few days I will hear more about how the Lord challenged and encouraged them through the messages preached and the friendships that were made and/or strengthened. And I will continue to seek to take every thought captive to God's Word and not let bittersweet memories disrupt my walk with Christ. He is Lord of the past, present, and future after all, so why should I waste my time trying to make it all fit together? He alone will bring the proper balance into our home, and He alone knows exactly what that looks like. Will I trust Him?

"Sandyland"

As I walked on the beach today, I kept singing this song from my youth over and over:
Don't build your house on the sandyland; don't build it too near the shore
Well it might be kind of nice but you'll have to build it twice,
Then you'll have to build your house once more.
You gotta build your house upon a rock; make a sure foundation on a solid spot.
Well the storms may come and go, but the peace of God you will know.
Standing in the ocean and feeling myself sink in the sand was a great real life picture of the meaning of this song. Mother & I would stand and let the waves hit us, but before too long we would start to sink and have to change positions. We held on tight to each other as we continually felt like we would fall. And as I later walked along the shore and sang in my head while seeing the waves come crashing in, I couldn't help but contemplate how I have been guilty of building on sandyland. Much of the last 21 years of my life were spent building a foundation on the sandyland of my "fairy-tale" idea of marriage & family. Oh, I knew all along that even that was temporal and that Christ needed to be central and it's not that I didn't ever strive for that. I know I did. But often, when the waves & storms came crashing in, I think instead of rebuilding on a more solid foundation, I just changed positions in the sand. Then the ultimate wave crashing hit and everything came out from under me. This time, as I rebuild, I'm making certain that I build in a nice firm solid spot with no trace of sand underneath. Even though I knew it intellectually all along, the greater teacher of experience is now teaching me every day that the one constant in my life is the Rock, Jesus Christ. I can't control where other people (like estranged husbands) build their foundation, but I can make sure my own is sure and solid.
Thank You, Lord, for using such beautiful word pictures for life lessons in Your Word. I was also reminded today of Your promise to Abraham to make his descendants as many as the grains of sand on the seashore. What an amazing wonder to know that I am one of those grains! Thank You for making Yourself known to me today through Your beautiful creation.

Long Days, Loneliness, & Letting Go

Wow, what a long day! Hard to believe that it was less than 24 hours ago that I dropped the girls off at church for youth camp. But here I am, sitting in my condo at the beach about to go get lost in my king-sized bed. We all made it safely to our destinations. My flight was great and I got to see an awesome sunset from the plane window. Thank you, Lord, for these blessings.
As I waited to see the vans pull out this morning, after giving final hugs and "I love yous", I stood there feeling the lonliness start to engulf me, especially as I looked around and saw all the mom-and-dad combos that were there seeing their children off and many of them asking me if I was looking forward to my few days of "freedom". Well, yeah, I am...........but don't they realize that time away from children is supposed to be good because it means time with spouse??? Ok, so here's where my blog title whacks me upside the head. My Maker is my Husband............
So what did I do with the rest of my day? Well, after going back to bed and sleeping 3 more hours, I had a wonderfully edifying phone conversation with a friend from way back, packed, took a break to sing through the song that has been such a "blessing" to me recently and let the words really sink in, basked in the wonder of flying and the beauty of the sky while on the plane, so that by the time we touched down in Orlando I was miles away from not only home and girls but also from the pity party that I entertained briefly earlier today and this erroneous idea of being "alone". Thank you, Lord, for your grace beyond measure!!! And thank you for allowing me to come on this trip with my dear mom & sister who have their own needs for encouragement and companionship. I do love them and am blessed to be with them. And keep reminding me that even in the absence of human companionship (which I really have never known) you are my all-in-all and I can never be alone. I love you, Lord.

Bittersweet Vacation & Growing Children

I love the beach and I love vacations, so why would a beach vacation be bittersweet? This is one I will be taking without my precious girls or, of course, my husband. The girls will be going to another beach, over 400 miles away, on a church youth trip while my mom, sister, & I enjoy a 3-day getaway. I am looking forward to it, but in many ways this is a reminder to me of the fact that my children are growing up and before I blink too many more times, they will be leaving the nest. That is a thought I am not ready to embrace at all (I know no mom ever really is, but it's different when the prospect before you is one of being totally alone). But tonight I will not allow myself to think too far in advance. Instead, I will just wish my girls well as I see them off at 5 a.m. (is there even LIFE at that hour???) and then prepare for my own trip later in the day. And, though in some ways it won't be the same without them and I do hope we can still enjoy some vacations together in the future, I will seek to find joy and peace in the fact that I can put my "mom duties" aside for a few days and just relax (hmmm, do I know the meaning of that word?). And I will pray some special prayers for my youngest (12) who has never before taken a trip like this without her "mommy" and is afraid she will get homesick. Lord, may these next few days be a glimpse of heaven - our real home - as we each see Your handiwork in our various settings, and when we all reunite on Wednesday may we have stories to share of Your love, protection and goodness. Look out, Beach, here we come!!!!

It's Not Really About the Insurance.......

I have spent the last two days online and on the phone researching health insurance options. This is not something I desire to do, but it is, alas, a necessity due to the changing circumstances in my life. These are circumstances that I don't like, are being forced upon me, and I'd do just about anything to avoid. But for whatever reason (which I know has to be ultimately good), God is not changing this unpleasant situation and thus I must figure out how to walk through it gracefully. And right now that means trying to find adequate, affordable insurance for myself. I have such a love/hate relationship with insurance (as everyone can probably relate) and now even more so. I gotta have it, but I don't wanna go through all the red tape necessary to get it. But you know, it's really not just about the insurance for me........it's really about the fact that for the last 21 years I've had a husband to take care of this issue for me and I still want that to be the case. Ok, there, I said it. And I even went so far as to say by the end of today - after my 25 phone calls from hungry insurance predators who all told me what I already knew, I can't afford insurance - that I would just rather live without it than to have to keep answering all these nosy questions about my private life and why I find myself needing new insurance and all that. I mean if I don't ever go to the doctor I won't know if anything is wrong anyway, right? Well, once again I must remind myself that I am in the hands of the Great Physician and He will protect me and provide for me. And though I'm not entirely sure yet just what that will look like, I know it will be better than anything I can figure out on my own. So I must seek, pray, trust, and obey. Still, I don't think I'm going to answer my phone for the next few days........