MERRY CHRISTMAS!

I woke up this Christmas morning alone. This is a first-time ever for me. The girls are at their grandparents' with their dad. We have never spent a Christmas Eve in separate houses before. I thought this would be the most horrible thing ever, but you know what? I'm o.k.!! Good ol' Siggy was here with me, of course, to keep me company and protect me. I had a great evening, starting with attending the service at church, then a late dinner with the girls & my mom at one of the few places open, then a very special evening with my very special man who, of course, showered me with love and gifts! So I really can't complain. Mark & I even watched the "Ernest" Christmas movie together - what could top that???

Still, I had my "moments" - when the tears threatened to overflow and I wanted to just give up the fight and give into the emotion and be a "victim" again. But I didn't. Praise the Lord, I didn't! I even had some other options put before me, but in the end I chose to just stay home in my "comfort zone". And now here I am on Christmas morning in a way-too-quiet house with my loyal four-legged friend beside me, remembering Emmanuel, God with us, and anticipating the big day ahead. In a little while, I will get up, turn on some Christmas music, make my pie, then get ready and head over to my mom's where I will meet up with my sweet girls around noon and we will all celebrate "God With Us" together.

Last night, my dear former father-in-law came by to get a left-behind gift and he wanted to give me a "Christmas hug." As he fought back tears, I was reminded once again that I am not the only person who has suffered through all of this. This was a different Christmas Eve for all of us and they were working through stuff too, having to learn to embrace a different daughter-in-law after 21 years. His sentiment meant a lot to me and I am so thankful that God has preserved this relationship along the way.

Most of all, though, I am thankful for the so-often-needed reminder that I am really never alone. The song we have been singing in church all month really sums it up:

               God is with us, He has come to save us; mercy lights the darkness, Christ is here.
               God is with us, healer of the broken, word of heaven spoken; Christ is here.

Yes, Christ is here. Which reminds me.......MERRY CHRISTMAS!!

One "Boo" for Every "Yay"

Have you ever gotten stuck in a rut where it seems like there's one bad thing that happens for every one good thing? Yay - I responded to that so well.....:) Boo - I flubbed that one miserably. :(
Yay - I'm really getting this concept!! :).......Boo - Ok, maybe I don't get it at all. :( Can anybody relate?

That pretty well sums up my last few weeks. I've had some pretty significant victories in my journey, but it seems like each one has been met with a huge defeat on the backside. That can be quite discouraging.

Tonight, I made a complete fool out of myself in front of my girls in a public place. I was exhausted (I have way overcommitted myself recently and am trying desperately to hold it together and keep it all going for just a few more weeks when relief will come), and I lost it over something really stupid. Well, o.k., trivial might be a better word. It certainly didn't seem stupid or trivial at the time, though! And for some reason, this had to occur the night before we are all going our separate ways on trips. Of course, that in itself I'm sure has a lot more to do with my losing it tonight than I want to admit. There's the "one bad" chasing down the "one good" again.

I made it through "try-not-to-remember" day just fine. Hardly even noticed it actually. Yay!! Last night, I had a conversation in which I found myself answering questions about my marital status in a very straightforward manner without feeling the need to give any specifics or defend myself and give my sob story. My listener can do whatever he wants with the answers I gave him; God knows the details. There's my "yay"! But then I come home to the reality that my daughter is starting to embrace her new stepmom and that old self-belittlement reared its ugly head once again. Boo. Today, I had a great conversation with a "been-there-done-that" friend and was feeling on top of the world in how far I've come in this journey. I even got a card in the mail from a mentor telling me how he had noticed God's work in my life over these last four years and specifically this last month. Wow! Then tonight......well, you know. Yeah, big-time Boo. I have people telling me that I will eventually get beyond this point, that I will finally be freed from this seesaw of life that I'm on. Oh how I want that to be true, but right now I'm having a hard time believing it.

As I try and get myself "wound down" tonight, I pray that I will be able to focus on the many "Yay" moments. Because really, when I think about it, I'm pretty sure they have been far outweighing the "Boo" ones here lately. It's just that the bad moments leave scars.

Jesus, please forgive me for my display of anger and selfishness tonight. Please help my girls to be able to forgive me as well. Help me to be able to pick myself up and cease and desist the singing of the "Poor Pitiful Me" song. Remind me of the sermon I just listened to on Your love and that it is not dependent upon my - or anyone else's - behavior. I pray that we all have a good trip over these next couple of days and that our love for each other will not be affected by the "boo" moment we shared tonight. You have brought me to such a brighter place.......help me to stay in the light where You are. Amen.

Happier Times, New Challenges, Guilt, and Tough Love

Why is it that moving forward and finding happiness in your life again only brings about new challenges? I guess it's because true contentment is best obtained through the school of hard knocks. 

I am rejoicing in so many things nowadays - much more stable emotions, daily laughter, strength to move ahead and quit trying desperately to hang on to the past, a daughter who's now driving and has a car which greatly helps the "Mom's Taxi Service" drudgery, and a new special person in my life. All of these things, though (and I could mention more), bring about their own challenges - I do still cry at times and have to deal with my general emotional makeup; often I take one or two giant leaps forward but then quickly find myself going backwards again; the daughter driving of course brings with it a new set of worries; and the "special person" in my life is unfortunately not so special to everyone in my household.  

Thus, the challenges continue. I'm learning that guilt is still a very big issue for me - more so than I think I ever realized it was in the first place. I feel guilty that am so much happier and more stable now, I feel guilty about letting my daughter go driving around all over the place and expecting her to help me with the taxi service now, and I feel guilty that I now have another man to love and who loves me and wants to take care of me......not just me, but all of us. All of this guilt is weighing me down and keeping me from enjoying my new found freedoms and joys to their fullest extent.

I'm also recognizing that there has been an element missing- or at the least very distant - in our home over these last few years, tough love. I'm all about the "love" part, but I don't do so well with the "tough". Thing is, if I could just master this one really big challenge - learning to love my girls with firmness and presenting an attitude of "I'm the mom and you're the kids" - so many (maybe all????) of these other new challenges would be greatly lessened. Still, that's a whole lot easier to say than it is to do for us "sentimental" types. 

At the end of the day, though, I'm thankful for how far God has brought me and for the much-more-promising-looking future that now lies before me. Lord, may I be reminded that "There is therefore now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus"; may I be able to let go of this nasty guilt and enjoy the freedoms You so freely offer me. Help me to be confident and loving and firm in my home and may these precious girls see that moving forward, though scary, is a good thing and we can all be happy again. Amen.

Anniversaries

I've come such a long way, crossed so many bridges, found my light at the end of the tunnel, have new and exciting possibilities for the future opened up to me now.......yet still I am reminded of my "one thing" that gets me every time. When I hear of couples celebrating a 25+ anniversary, that old self-pity rears its ugly head once again. I know, I know, I'm supposed to "rejoice with those who rejoice", but at these times I'd rather everyone else "weep with those who weep" (namely me!). I'll never have the joy of "bragging" about being married 40 or 50 or 60 years. Why does that bother me so? Ok, yeah, I don't want to have to admit this, but it's probably the old "P" word - pride. I continue to be hit upside the head with how much that factors into my life on a daily basis. So I will just have to keep fighting it, and pray that the Lord keeps showering those "new mercies" on me each morning, and that He will keep me looking forward and not backward. Or rather, that He'll just keep me looking at Him. Because in eternity, I'll be right there rejoicing and celebrating Him with all those who were married forever as well as those whose marriages didn't turn out as planned, like mine. And none of that will even matter one bit!