I feel like I'm learning to walk all over again. Just can't seem to stay upright and keep moving forward these days. It's been awhile since I've blogged and that is never a good sign - you know, when you get to such a point that you can't seem to do the one thing that you know would probably help pull you out of the pit. So here I am tonight, when I should be going to bed and preparing for a Monday morning that will come much sooner than I'll be ready for, trying desperately to ward off the impending tears and sobs by writing my heart. Well, more than likely I'll end up writing through the tears and sobs but at least then they'll be productive.
There is a mixture of emotions raging inside me tonight. Everything from really disappointing results at music competition to dreading an upcoming weekend alone as the girls go out of town with their dad, to wondering if I need to consider doing something entirely different with my life. I think I am just weary. Weary of working so hard to prepare for the same event each year and always coming away feeling deflated and defeated. Weary of trying to figure out answers to questions that should never have to be asked. Weary of having to be a mom without an ever-present dad in the picture. Weary of trying to look like I'm holding it all together when in reality I'm still dying inside every day. Weary of having to just "go on" with life when all I really want to do is just crawl in a hole somewhere and hide till it's all over. Weary of knowing where the answer to all my confusion and emptiness lies but not being able to get myself to go there. Weary of living as a victim yet not really wanting....afraid maybe......to let go of that mentality. Weary of making progress and thinking I am really beginning to get all these life lessons, then to immediately take huge leaps backwards and find myself right back at the starting point all over again.
That's where I am right now - back at square one. OK, maybe square two. Nonetheless, I am far enough back to the entrance of my tunnel that I can't see any light at the end again. I've got some dark and scary territory to cover before the light dawns. Of course, I have the Light of the World Himself going before me always. Lord, help me to look to the Light that is always a present reality and to remember that "even the darkness is light to You".
