I am rejoicing in so many things nowadays - much more stable emotions, daily laughter, strength to move ahead and quit trying desperately to hang on to the past, a daughter who's now driving and has a car which greatly helps the "Mom's Taxi Service" drudgery, and a new special person in my life. All of these things, though (and I could mention more), bring about their own challenges - I do still cry at times and have to deal with my general emotional makeup; often I take one or two giant leaps forward but then quickly find myself going backwards again; the daughter driving of course brings with it a new set of worries; and the "special person" in my life is unfortunately not so special to everyone in my household. Thus, the challenges continue. I'm learning that guilt is still a very big issue for me - more so than I think I ever realized it was in the first place. I feel guilty that am so much happier and more stable now, I feel guilty about letting my daughter go driving around all over the place and expecting her to help me with the taxi service now, and I feel guilty that I now have another man to love and who loves me and wants to take care of me......not just me, but all of us. All of this guilt is weighing me down and keeping me from enjoying my new found freedoms and joys to their fullest extent.
I'm also recognizing that there has been an element missing- or at the least very distant - in our home over these last few years, tough love. I'm all about the "love" part, but I don't do so well with the "tough". Thing is, if I could just master this one really big challenge - learning to love my girls with firmness and presenting an attitude of "I'm the mom and you're the kids" - so many (maybe all????) of these other new challenges would be greatly lessened. Still, that's a whole lot easier to say than it is to do for us "sentimental" types.
At the end of the day, though, I'm thankful for how far God has brought me and for the much-more-promising-looking future that now lies before me. Lord, may I be reminded that "There is therefore now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus"; may I be able to let go of this nasty guilt and enjoy the freedoms You so freely offer me. Help me to be confident and loving and firm in my home and may these precious girls see that moving forward, though scary, is a good thing and we can all be happy again. Amen.
