Wedding-phobia

I'm wondering today if I'll ever be able to attend a wedding again. I'm sure there will come a day when I will not have much choice, but so far I've managed to avoid this task. I have missed a couple  recently that I probably should have attended and maybe............just maybe..........somewhere in the dark recesses of my heart I really wanted to be there for these sweet brides, but I just couldn't bring myself to do it. Yeah, I'll admit it - I'm a bit disallusioned about marriage in general right now. I can't say that I really feel happy for these couples.......I just kind of don't feel anything about their marriage. I guess I'm just hoping that 21 years from now, after a seemingly happy marriage, their husbands won't suddenly decide to bail on them. And I'm still afraid that when the preacher offers that "last out" at the end, calling for anyone who sees just reason why this couple shouldn't be joined together (do they even still DO that in weddings???)..........well, I might just be inclined to jump up and respond! I wouldn't really know what my objection would be; all I can do is give them the same advice that I thought we were following all those years - keep your eyes on Christ and seek to put Him first in your marriage. I just hope it works out better for you.

Am I bitter? I don't know. I've really fought hard against the bitterness and most days now I don't think I am.  But when it comes to wedding invitations, I'm not so sure. A married woman can't help but think back to her own wedding when attending another wedding, no matter how long it's been, and I certainly am NOT ready to face that. So am I wrong in avoiding this right now? Not sure about that either. I just think maybe I'm doing what I have to do to keep myself from giving into the bitterness. And I certainly don't want to sit there and sob uncontrollably through someone's "happy" event! Sure, lots of people cry at weddings, but they are generally happy tears and mine would not be that.

So, for now, I'll keep avoiding the "W" event. I still have a few years left before I'll have to face this with my own daughters so hopefully I'll be "at the other end" of this tunnel and be well-stocked with those glorious "new mercies" by then!

Me and Alexander

I used to love reading the book Alexander and the Terrible, Horrible, No-good, Very bad Day to my girls when they were little. Well I kind of had one of those days today. All day I found myself in situations that made me feel like a complete failure. I didn't seem to be able to keep my 8th graders under control in class this morning......I discovered a huge and very costly oversight in my checking account (when I'm barely making it from check to check anyway) and had to ask for help yet again......I didn't communicate as well as I should have in a particular situation which came back to bite me big time......I had a good but difficult counseling session with my discipleship pastor in which I was challenged that I need to have a hard conversation with someone......which was all the more verified when that someone culminated my "Alexander" day by chiding me for not taking our daughter's poor academic status seriously. Really??? Can anybody say "Let's kick her while she's down"?  Does someone who made the choice to remove himself from the family structure really have the right to make such a statement?

I am, I believe, doing all I can do right now to make ends meet and hold my household together. No, I'm not doing it all perfectly, but I'm certainly not just sitting on my rear, acting like money grows on trees, singing "que sera, sera" while my child fails in school. But tonight? I'm just not feeling like it really matters all that much either way. Can anybody say "Been there, done that"?

Father, I desperately need to be reminded tonight that You do not see me as a failure and that I must not "grow weary in well-doing". Please help me to keep "pressing on toward the goal of the upward call in Christ Jesus" even when life throws lemons (or watermelons!) at me. Remind me that I am not defined by how others see me for they look only on the outside while You look on the heart. And what do You see in my heart? The robe of Christ's righteousness! And that should definitely keep me from giving into the "victim" mentality that is tugging and pulling at me as I type. Thank You, Lord, for amazing grace. Amen.