Twenty-four years ago today, I walked down the aisle and exchanged vows with the man I really believed I would spend the rest of my life with. This is the third May 14 that has passed now since that proved not to be the case. I am still in shock over this, and yet, sadly, I find myself getting kind of used to it. It seemed pretty much like a normal day, except for the occasional mind-wanderings I had to fight against. I hate this. I hate that I am adjusting to life without him. I mean I guess that's what I'm supposed to do - adjust, right? But I don't ever want to just be "o.k." with this. I am moving on.........at least outwardly. But inwardly, I'm still trying desperately to figure out how we got from May 14, 1988 to May 14, 2012 and what I'm supposed to do with all the memories in between.


A couple of days ago, a group of friends came over and we cleaned out the garage. I'm grateful to them for helping this lifelong packrat through the difficult task of mass purging. While it felt good to see such progress take place before my eyes, at the same time it broke my heart to see so much of my past life so flippantly tossed aside. And the irony is not missed here as that's what I'm feeling today about my present circumstances. Yeah, it feels good to see myself make progress in this unwanted journey, but I can't stand to see "what once was" just tossed aside, and that's what I feel like I'm doing when I just "move on". If anyone ever figures out how to reconcile these two opposing mindsets, please let me know!


Meanwhile, I lay my head down on my pillow tonight having had a tear-free day, and I look forward to waking up tomorrow and realizing that I don't have to write "May 14" all day long!


Thank you, Lord, for grace in the big things and in the small. Thank you that with you there are no special days I have to try and make normal days - you love me perfectly and steadfastly all the time and I can be certain that will never change. Amen