One "Boo" for Every "Yay"

Have you ever gotten stuck in a rut where it seems like there's one bad thing that happens for every one good thing? Yay - I responded to that so well.....:) Boo - I flubbed that one miserably. :(
Yay - I'm really getting this concept!! :).......Boo - Ok, maybe I don't get it at all. :( Can anybody relate?

That pretty well sums up my last few weeks. I've had some pretty significant victories in my journey, but it seems like each one has been met with a huge defeat on the backside. That can be quite discouraging.

Tonight, I made a complete fool out of myself in front of my girls in a public place. I was exhausted (I have way overcommitted myself recently and am trying desperately to hold it together and keep it all going for just a few more weeks when relief will come), and I lost it over something really stupid. Well, o.k., trivial might be a better word. It certainly didn't seem stupid or trivial at the time, though! And for some reason, this had to occur the night before we are all going our separate ways on trips. Of course, that in itself I'm sure has a lot more to do with my losing it tonight than I want to admit. There's the "one bad" chasing down the "one good" again.

I made it through "try-not-to-remember" day just fine. Hardly even noticed it actually. Yay!! Last night, I had a conversation in which I found myself answering questions about my marital status in a very straightforward manner without feeling the need to give any specifics or defend myself and give my sob story. My listener can do whatever he wants with the answers I gave him; God knows the details. There's my "yay"! But then I come home to the reality that my daughter is starting to embrace her new stepmom and that old self-belittlement reared its ugly head once again. Boo. Today, I had a great conversation with a "been-there-done-that" friend and was feeling on top of the world in how far I've come in this journey. I even got a card in the mail from a mentor telling me how he had noticed God's work in my life over these last four years and specifically this last month. Wow! Then tonight......well, you know. Yeah, big-time Boo. I have people telling me that I will eventually get beyond this point, that I will finally be freed from this seesaw of life that I'm on. Oh how I want that to be true, but right now I'm having a hard time believing it.

As I try and get myself "wound down" tonight, I pray that I will be able to focus on the many "Yay" moments. Because really, when I think about it, I'm pretty sure they have been far outweighing the "Boo" ones here lately. It's just that the bad moments leave scars.

Jesus, please forgive me for my display of anger and selfishness tonight. Please help my girls to be able to forgive me as well. Help me to be able to pick myself up and cease and desist the singing of the "Poor Pitiful Me" song. Remind me of the sermon I just listened to on Your love and that it is not dependent upon my - or anyone else's - behavior. I pray that we all have a good trip over these next couple of days and that our love for each other will not be affected by the "boo" moment we shared tonight. You have brought me to such a brighter place.......help me to stay in the light where You are. Amen.